


Close Encounters Of The Slurred Kind

by caledfwlchthat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Actual Respectable Science, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, And Probably Also Some Large Research Grants, Courtblock Drama, Drunk Rose's Atrocious Spelling, Drunk Rose's Shameless Flirting, Eridan Being Eridan, F/F, First Contact, Heavy Drinking, Irony, Jade Harley Deserves Tenure, Karkat Hoisted With His Own Petard, Karkat In Leader Mode, Karkat Swearing, Las Vegas Wedding, Mad Science, Musical References, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Property Damage, Sburb-Like Cursor, Science Experiments, Smuppets (Homestuck), Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff References, Terezi Licking Stuff, Trollian Memo(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22366339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caledfwlchthat/pseuds/caledfwlchthat
Summary: Maryam's Iron Law of Alien Contact:  Don't let Rose Lalonde play with the reality-altering shell cursor when she's hammered.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 30
Kudos: 46





	1. Rainbow Rumpus Science Vessel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laurasauras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Observation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17366414) by [Laurasauras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras). 



> Happy Birthday Laura! I've been looking forward to writing this ever since you prompted us all for our birthdays in our Undisclosed Location. Your insights, advice, encouragement, stalwart beta reading, unreconstructed enthusiasm for Homestuck in all its forms, and all-around loveliness have been a beacon to me these past months, and your growing, eclectic oeuvre of awesome fics never cease to amaze and delight me as a reader. Thank you for all of those things, and I hope we can keep sharing them as we go around the sun once more!
> 
> I chose this fic to pay homage to since it was one of the first fics of yours I read. Apart from the obvious Rosemary bait, I found the premise so charming that I've wanted to see more ever since then, so I finally just went and wrote it myself. This is of course only one of many possible ways that Rose and Kanaya's evening could have played out, but that's the joy of alternate timelines in a universe where canon goes to die. It's almost but not quite done at the time of first posting, so I'm going to spool it out to you at the rate of a chapter a day while I finish it. Your birthday will last all week!

One drink with the human was all very well, until it turned into two. Then three. Kanaya's head is swimming and her digestive tract is threatening to revolt; she doesn't know what her test-subject-cum-bartender has put into these so-called _martinis_ , but she suspects it could be used as industrial paint thinner.

Rose, in comparison, seems relatively well-at-ease, even jovial. Substantially more so than before. She's been asking increasingly pointed, and embarrassing, questions about alien biology for the last twenty minutes. It astonishes Kanaya that the unflappable, wry being of no more than an hour ago could be the same person that she sees before her now. Human behavior is clearly more varied than she or any of her science team's members originally imagined.

"Kanyanaaaaa!" Rose drawls, slapping Kanaya on the back with more than passing familiarity. "You're, haha, you're not lookin' terribly well there. Did I make 'em too ssstrong?" She's slowing down her speech, taking exaggerated care not to soften her consonants, but ending up sounding even sillier when she fails. In about thirty more seconds she's just going to give up on that.

"It's Kanaya," the corrected name's bearer croaks. "I think I'm going to be... _indisposed._ " Then she remembers she has a quick cure-all. "Sollux, could you please... reduce the ethyl alcohol in... my bloodstream. To about, um. One third of its present concentration?"

"Hey, thatsssnot really fair! But, okay. I don' want your only memory of firss' contact to be a sore head and, and, a too suddenly empty ssstomach. And particulately, I want you to _rembember_ firss' contact. Thiss, is an hhhhhistoric occasion! An' it should be a pleasant one as well."

Kanaya's earpiece beeps and she feels a sudden relief. She never really thought to ask what the after-effects of alcohol on her species might be. The ship's computer assured her that it was at best a mild toxin, but apparently it isn't quite the same low-grade soporific that it is for humans.

"Hey, hey, hhheeeeeeeeyyy," Rose slurs, "how's that thing work, eggsackly, anyway? Is it, like, sssomethin' I can try?"

The bottom of the boat that is Kanaya's composure springs a leak, and a sinking feeling ensues.

"Rose," Kanaya says carefully, enunciating each word crisply, "I may be experiencing misgivings about the prospect of handing over the local reality cursor to an inebriated guest user."

"Aw, come on!" Rose pouts. Her pout is, unfortunately, irresistible. "You've been usin' that realolity curser on me for, like, weeks. Turnabout seems like fair play, immy humble opinion."

"I don't think my supervisor will approve of the idea of our team being experimented upon themselves by one of our test subjects," Kanaya says, with all the coldness and finality she can muster.

Rose gasps. "Oh, no! No no no no. You missundersstand me. Sorry! I meant, I mentioned, uh..." She struggles to remember the rest of her sentence. "I said sssomethin' about, uh, some other shpecimens of humanity that might interess' you. I know quite a few! An' not only do I _know_ 'em, as in _know_ know 'em, y'know, but I can tell you where to _find_ 'em. But, I wanna be in on it! You're gonna learn such great stuff, and I'm not gonna miss that for, for the _wooooorrrld._ "

Kanaya looks Rose straight in the eye with what she hopes is her most withering look. Rose stares back with flirtatious amusement. Damn her eyes. Her exquisite, amorous lavender eyes. And the rest of her, while we're at it.

"Hold on a moment," Kanaya sighs, pulling her palmhusk out of her uniform's pocket. "Allow me to put this _highly irregular_ request through the proper channels."

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] opened memo on board TEAM SCIENCE FTW.  


GA: So As Those Of You Streaming From The Shell Feed May Have Noticed  
GA: I Have Taken The Opportunity To Initiate First Contact After A Long Series Of Irregular Test Results On Subject 137745-1238L Of The Human Species  
GA: Code Named Rose  
GA: She Has Been Introducing Me To The Wonders Of A Class Of Human Soporifics Called Martinis  
GA: Which Come In Several Varieties  
GA: All Of Which Taste Very Nice  
GA: But Are Apparently Liable To Cause Various Symptoms Of Upset If Imbibed To Excess  
GA: She Has Just Offered Her Services In Selecting Additional Test Subjects  
GA: Which May Lead To A Higher Rate Of Receptiveness Than Our Baseline Latin Hypercube Sampling Strategy On The Parameter Space Of Human Personalities  
GA: I Think This Could Potentially Be A Very Interesting Arrangement  
GA: But It Seems There Is A Quid Pro Quo  
GA: She Wants To Help Design And Administer The Testing Protocol  
GA: Which Will Require At Least Some Version Of Remote Shell Access  
GA: I Feel Unequipped To Carry Out A Full Risk Analysis On The Spot  
GA: Please Advise  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.  


CG: NO.  
CG: FUCK NO.  
CG: _HELL FUCKING NO._  
GA: Ah  
GA: Is It That Cut And Dried Then  
CG: IT'S COMPLETELY UNHEARD OF.  
CG: GIVE A TEST SUBJECT ACCESS TO THE REALITY SHELL?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN PAN?!  
CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT _UNDERSTANDS THIS IS ALIEN FIRST CONTACT?!_  
CG: THERE'S NO WAY CENTRAL COMMAND WOULD APPROVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.  
GA: To Be Sure Central Command Did Not Directly Approve Our Protocols Either  
GA: We Are Given A Good Measure Of Autonomy To Adjust Our Behavioral Experiments In Order To Yield The Most Informative Results  
GA: But The Boondollar Stops With You  
CG: IF THAT'S THE CASE, WHY ARE YOU STILL ADVOCATING FOR THIS?!  
CG: I SAID NO. NO MEANS NO. WHICH, BY THE WAY, ALSO MEANS NO.  
GA: You Realize Of Course That Central Command May Be Frustrated At Our Lack Of Progress  
GA: Nearly An Entire Perigee And Only One Incredibly Perverse Human Studied  
GA: I Fear They May Simply Cancel The Project And Move On  
CG: AND WOULD THAT REALLY BE SUCH A TERRIBLE OUTCOME?!  
CG: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BLOWN OVER THREE-QUARTERS OF THE OPERATIONS BUDGET FOR YOUR PROTOCOL ON THIS ONE HUMAN.  
CG: BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE THERE AREN'T THOUSANDS MORE WORLDS IN THE GALAXY WITH MORE INTELLIGENT LIFE THAN THIS ONE.  
GA: In Defense Of Rose  
GA: I Believe She Is Quite Intelligent  
CG: MAYBE. BUT UNCOOPERATIVE. CONTRARY.  
CG: *DIFFICULT*.  
GA: Would You Really Have Us Make First Contact With A Planet Of Simpletons  
GA: If You Had Bothered To Read Our Event Logs I Believe You Would Find  
GA: Her Brand Of Contrariness Is Really Quite Creative  
CG: AND SO WHAT?  
GA: Also She  
GA: Um  


twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.  


TA: 2he'2 got a niice a22, huh.  
GA: What  
GA: No  
TA: kn.  
TA: you've been checkiing her a22 out every tiime 2he goe2 two refill your gla22 wiith another one of tho2e "martiinii" thiing2.  
GA: Have I Really Now  
TA: and when 2he get2 up two go two the load gaper.  
TA: and liike, liiterally any other tiime 2he turn2 around, for any rea2on.  
GA: The Answer To My Rhetorical Question Is No Sollux  
GA: No I Most Certainly Have Not  
GA: Also Shut Up  
TA: ii thiink you're probably compromii2ed.  
GA: Okay Fine I Will Admit  
GA: She Is Not Without Some Modest Degree Of Physical Comeliness  
CG: HOLY SHIT, I AM SO VERY CANCELLING YOU TWO.  
CG: YOU'VE GONE COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE *FRATERNIZING* WITH THE TEST SUBJECTS!!!  
GA: Sir Its Not That Bad  
TA: hahaha, kn you are 2o fuckiing bu2ted.  
CG: STAND DOWN, ENSIGN MARYAM. YOUR WORK IS DONE HERE.  


caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo.  


CA: wwait  
CA: belay that order lieutenant  
CG: FLKGJHFLF  
CG: SIR, PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY  
CA: wwhat the hell  
CA: granted  
CA: youre just gonna say wwhatevver comes into your pan anywways  
CG: ARE YOU AWARE THAT ENSIGN MARYAM'S "SCIENCE PROJECT" NOW CONSTITUTES A SECURITY RISK TO OUR VESSEL?!  
CG: FRATERNIZING WITH A TEST SUBJECT IS EXPLICITLY AGAINST OUR RESEARCH DIRECTIVES!  
CA: yeah wwell as captain of this vvessel im hereby ovverridin those directivves  
TA: ok, ii was not expectiing that.  
GA: To Be Honest Neither Was I  
CA: pipe the fuck dowwn ensigns  
CA: i didnt say either of you could speak freely  
TA: 2orry, 2iir. please contiinue.  
CG: CAPTAIN AMPORA, SIR.  
CG: BY ALL MEANS DO TELL ME WHAT ESSENTIAL DATA ARE NEEDED THAT ONLY ENSIGN MARYAM'S PROTOCOL CAN DELIVER, TO JUSTIFY SAFEGUARDING IT AGAINST IMMEDIATE TERMINATION WITH PREJUDICE?  
CA: wwell  
CA: theres a wwealth of vvital cultural information about the new species  
CA: such as audio media consumption  
CA: toxicology  
CG: TOXICOLOGY ISN'T CULTURAL INFORMATION, YOU IGNORAMUS!  
CA: and reproductivve behavvior  
CG: REPRODUCT--!!!  
CG: SIR, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE OVERRIDING OUR SECURITY PROCEDURES _IN ORDER TO PERV ON ONE OF OUR CREW AND HER ALIEN TEST SUBJECT?!_  
CA: wwell i wwouldnt use those exact wwords to describe it lieutenant  
CA: after all its for science aint it  
CG: I BET YOU KNEW TO JUMP IN AT THIS VERY MINUTE BECAUSE YOU HAD SOME KIND OF SURVEILLANCE SCRIPT SET UP TO NOTIFY YOU AT THE BAREST MENTION OF THE WORD "ASS".  
CA: i wwill neither confirm nor deny that  
CA: as any such shit wwould obvviously be highly classified information  
TA: actually kk, s/ass/ wouldn't have yiielded a match two my mentiion.  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP ENSIGN, YOU ARE OUT OF LINE.  
CG: FUCK IT, I'M ESCALATING THIS UP THE COMMAND CHAIN.  
CG: STRAIGHT TO THE FLEET ADMIRAL.  
CA: like hell you wwill  


cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo.  


CA: ohhh shit  
CA: fleet admiral on vvirtual deck  
CC: At ease, Captain, crew!  
CC: Now, w)(at seems to be t)(e issue?  
CC: Surely we can work everyt)(ing out amiably )(ere!  
CG: THIS *DOUCHEBAG* IS TRYING TO RESUME A CANCELLED CONTACT PROTOCOL THAT POSES A GRAVE SECURITY RISK FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL TITILLATION.  
CG: THUS ENDANGERING THE MISSION AND EVERYTHING IT STANDS FOR.  
CC: Well, w)(at's t)(e protocol?  
CG: ENSIGN MARYAM HAS MADE FIRST CONTACT WITH THE HUMAN SPECIES.  
CG: HER TEST SUBJECT NOW WANTS TO BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN FURTHER TESTING, AND GIVEN REMOTE ACCESS TO THE REALITY SHELL.  
CC: Weeeeeeell... that sure sounds fis)(y to me!  
CC: But also mighty exciting!  
CC: It'd be a s)(ame if we )(ad to cut off first contact over somet)(ing like this!  
CC: -Ensign Maryam! Report!  
GA: Report  
GA: Report On What Admiral Peixes  
CC: Is t)(e subject offering anyt)(ing in return?  
GA: She Says She Can Make Dramatic Improvements To Our Sampling Procedure  
GA: Thus Guaranteeing Us Contact With Additional Test Subjects Likely To Respond Favorably To Our Interventions  
GA: Or At Least Respond In Scientifically Interesting Ways  
CC: Impressive!  
CC: And can t)(e protocol be moderated to reduce risk of catastrop)(ic failure?  
GA: I Believe So  
GA: Ensign Captor Has Been Conducting The Protocol With Me  
GA: And Would Know More About The Safeguards And Permissions That Can Be Granted To A Reality Shell Prompt Or Cursor  
TA: ii can do that wiithout even breakiing a sweat, ma'am.  
TA: my code ii2 tiight a2 the pur2ed liip2 of a barren empre22 at her beautiiful young heire22'2 coming-out party.  
CC: )(a)(a, well! You sure know )(ow to flatter a young lady, -Ensign!  
CC: Between just us, is s)(e cute?  
TA: ii'm 2orry, ma'am?  
CC: T)(e test subject, I mean.  
TA: oh. ye2 ma'am.  
TA: exceediingly.  
CC: -Excellent!  
CC: Sounds great to me! Please proceed as planned, -Ensign Maryam.  
CC: And good luck! ;)  
CC: O)(, and Lieutenant Vantas?  
CG: YES, MA'AM?  
CC: I'd appreciate you personally supervising t)(is unusual protocol to make sure not)(ing goes "globes up", as you mig)(t say.  
CC: I t)(ink t)(e risk of t)(at is low, but I'm )(olding you responsible for t)(e success of t)(e science component of t)(is mission.  
CC: T)(at is all.  
CC: Dismissed!  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned cuttlefishCuller [CC] from responding to memo.  


CG: I CAN'T *BELIEVE* WE'RE DOING THIS.  
CA: wwell i certainly can  
CA: couldnt be more pleased wwith howw that turned out  
CG: THIS IS AN UNCONSCIONABLE ABUSE OF YOUR POSITION, AND A GRAVE FAILURE OF OVERSIGHT BY YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER.  
CA: and to that may i just say  
CA: _suck it_ vvant-ass  
CG: NO, I WILL NOT SUCK IT, YOU DESPERATE FREAK.  
CA: wwill i havve to give it to you as an order then  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned caligulasAquarium [CA] from responding to memo.  


CG: HOLY BLISTERING FUCK, THE CONTENTS OF THIS MEMO ARE *EVERYTHING* THAT IS WRONG WITH OUR COMMAND STRUCTURE.  
TA: hahaha, fuckiing fiigure2 the captaiin would be a huge xenophiile two.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to memo.  


CG: ANYONE ELSE WANT TO GET BANNED?!  
CG: NO?  
CG: OKAY THEN.  
CG: ENSIGN MARYAM, YOU HAVE MY OFFICIAL FULL SUPPORT AND ANY RESOURCES YOU NEED TO MAKE THIS TRAVESTY OF A CONTACT PROTOCOL HAPPEN.  
CG: UNOFFICIALLY, I JUST HOPE YOUR PROTOCOL DOESN'T EXPLODE IN ALL OUR FACES AND MAKE US THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE FUCKING GALAXY.  
CG: AS DIRECTED, I'M GOING TO INSIST ON PERSONAL SUPERVISION AND TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS, SO DON'T GET ANY FRISKY IDEAS ABOUT YOUR TEST SUBJECT ON MY WATCH.  
CG: NOT THE LEAST BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO ACCIDENTALLY GRATIFY OUR SKEEVY CAPTAIN, AFTER WHAT HE JUST PULLED.  
CG: NOR OVER-GRATIFY OUR FLAKY FLEET ADMIRAL, WHO I'M NOT CONVINCED IS ANY LESS INVESTED IN THE VERY PERSONAL SUCCESS OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU'VE GOT PLANNED.  
CG: THIS WILL BE A MISSION OF *PURELY* SCIENTIFIC INTEREST, AND *WILL* BE CONDUCTED WITH APPROPRIATE PROFESSIONAL DECORUM.  
CG: MEMO OVER. GET OUTTA HERE.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned himself from responding to memo.  


GA: I Think Im Going To Be Indisposed  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] closed memo.  



	2. Subject 137745-1694E, "John Egbert"

GA: All Right  
GA: Coordinates Of Target Locked  
TA: 2tandiing by two iiniitiialiize cur2or.  
GA: Bounding Box Established  


A young man stands in his bedroom. 

GA: Ready For Cursor Initialization  
TA: aaaaand cur2or iiiiiiii2... GO.  


It just so happens that today, the 23rd of January, is this young man's date of first contact with an alien species. But it is only today they will learn his name. (Spoiler: his name is John.) 

CG: YOU'RE SURE THIS IS TOTALLY SAFE, SOLLUX?  
TA: are you fuckiing kiiddiing me? thii2 cur2or ii2 NEVER totally 2afe.  
TA: but you 2hould be able two control the damage, whiich ii2 what matter2.  
CG: OH. FUCKING *GREAT*, THEN.  


The shell has been initialized in such a way that Kanaya is able to control it from her palmhusk. A chat window can be thumbed into view from the bottom of the touchscreen, from which escaped plaintext commands can also be accepted. The cursor interface is a bit clumsy, requiring combinations of gestures with varying numbers of fingers to complete fairly basic actions, but it's stable enough to handle bare-bones spatial transformations and material transmutations of reality, as well as execution of macros built using Sollux's more sophisticated husktop interface. Kanaya's practiced with it enough to know its quirks and compensate for them. 

GA: Ok so, liek. Can I have the brdidge now?  
GA: *Bridge.  
GA: Prettty please?  
CG: UH.  
GA: ...  
TA: ...  


Whether the _actual user_ will be able to handle it is, of course, another thing entirely. 

CG: YEAH, OKAY. I GUESS.  
GA: Yaaay!  
GA: Kthx.  
GA: Ahem.  
GA: Warp nine!  


In John's bathroom, the toilet suddenly rips itself out of the plumbing and bursts through the wall, with astonishing speed for something so massive. It punches fortuitously through several non-load-bearing structures, wrecks the west and north walls of John's bedroom, and finally clears the frame of the house before completing its ballistic trajectory on the lawn. The porcelain cracks as the unfortunate plumbing fixture lands, with a shower of drywall, squarely on top of the brand new Ghostbusters (tm) pogo ride John had _just_ got put in for his last birthday. 

On their feeds, the observers watch John's jaw drop to scrape the floor. They watch his finger oscillate madly between the entrance and exit holes made by the errant throne, watch him run to the ruined outer wall and tear his hair out over the confetti the explosion has made of his prized movie posters. 

"OH MY GOD!" he screams, "MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED!!!" 

GA: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAhahahaa _oh my gooood!_  
GA: PCHOOOOOOOOO ahahahahahahhaaa!   
CG: WHAT THE FRESH EXPLODING HELL IS GOING ON OVER THERE?!?!  
GA: ASDLKJSFLASHFL  
GA: This is _aaaaawesome!!!_  
GA: I sduddnenly unnerstand everythign you allieins must get outof this!  
GA: The world is,ptutty in youor hands! Whatan incredadible russhh!  
TA: well, thii2 ii2 dumb.  


Kanaya's about to tear her own hair out. "Rose!" she yells. "What the hell did you just do?!" 

Rose is practically choking on her own laughter. "It appeeeaaars I just launched John's toilet shtraight through the walls of his bedroom! Oh my god, oh god, I just, _hahahahaha!!!_ " 

" _I know that!_ That was a rhetorical question! I was trying to get you to reflect upon your carelessness with extremely advanced and potentially dangerous alien technology!" Two brisk strides and a curt yank later, Kanaya has reclaimed the offending tech from her still-giggling love interest -- _yes_ , she thinks, _that must be it after all, there's no other reason I would put up with such juvenile antics for more than three blessed nanoseconds._

She takes a deep breath and hopes Rose returns to her senses before much longer. 

GA: Sorry About That  
GA: Hold On A Moment  


"Aaaah, Kaynayna," Rose chuckles as she finally regains some breath, 

"It's _Kanaya,_ " the palmhusk's custodian icily reminds her. 

GA: I Am Admonishing Rose Now For Her Behavior  
GA: I Dont Think We Can Trust Her With The Cursor In This State  
TA: 2hiit, you thiink 2o?!  
CG: MY GOD, DON'T THESE HUMANS HAVE EVEN _TRACE CONCENTRATIONS_ OF SUBTLETY?!  
CG: THE TEST SUBJECT COULD HAVE BEEN PULVERIZED, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!  
CG: PLUS SHE'S TOTALLY MISLED HIM, HE'S COME TO THE WRONG CONCLUSION  


"Don' be a party pooper, Ka- _naaa_ -ya. As opposed to, like, the other kinda pooper. Like. The kind on John's lawn. Y'know. Acshally, on shecond thought, don' be that kinda pooper either, hahahaha!" 

"You could have _flattened_ your friend! He could have been a streak of post-human body parts smeared across his own lawnring, _because you swiped the wrong way in an unfamiliar interface._ " 

That gets through even to Drunk Rose. Stricken, she sinks to the floor and sits there, hanging her head mournfully. 

CG: WHAT A DISASTER.  
GA: In Roses Defense  
CG: YOU'RE *SERIOUSLY* STILL DEFENDING HER?!?!  
GA: Well Only In Defending Myself  
GA: In That This Action Was Not Dramatically More Destructive Than Some Of The Things I Tried While Investigating Her  
CG: IS THAT DUBIOUS STATEMENT ACTUALLY TRUE, SOLLUX?  
TA: yeah, ii hate two 2ay iit but iit really kiind of ii2.  
CG: SUFFERER'S *SANDBAGS*, ENSIGN!  
CG: YOU'RE LUCKY YOUR PROTOCOL HAS THE EXPLICIT BLESSING OF THE FLEET ADMIRAL RIGHT NOW, OR I'D CANCEL THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF IT JUST FOR THIS.  
CG: NONE OF THESE DATA CAN POSSIBLY BE USEFUL.  
CG: SOLLUX, WIPE HIS MEMORY AND RESTORE ENVIRONMENT TO PREVIOUS CACHED STATE.  
TA: done.  
GA: Wait  
GA: You Can Do That  
TA: um, duh?  
GA: How Did I Not Know You Could Do That  
TA: have you ever even 2kiimmed the fuckiing manual for the 2hell?!  
TA: or do you expect me two do everythiing here. no, don't an2wer that.  
GA: I Cant Believe Ive Been So Cautious This Entire Time  


"I'm, I'm sorry, Kanaya. Damn. You, you're toadally right. I don' wanna become a danger to my friends' lives an' limbs, playin' with forces I barely comprehend for my own tawdry amusement. I just, I got carried away, is all. Is the fun over? We can shtill be friends, at least, right?" 

Kanaya rolls her eyes. "Of course we can still be friends, Rose." 

Rose wipes a tear of not-laughter from her eye, gazing up at Kanaya with what seems like deep and sincere affection. Her bloodpusher almost melts. Almost. 

"But from here on out, I'm going to be the one at the controls." 

"Aw, come _ooooooon._ " 

**== >**

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 23rd of January, is this young man's date of first contact with an alien species. But it is only today they will learn his name. (Spoiler: his name is John.) 

GA: I Have Negotiated A Change Of Procedure With Rose  
GA: Namely That I Will Allow Her Read Write Access To The Shell Session Log Memo From Her Own Wireless Device  
GA: And That She Is Welcome To Make Suggestions For Interaction  
GA: But That I Will Retain Control Of All Cursor Activity  
GA: Sollux Can You Please Create A Guest Alias For Her  
TA: yeah 2ure.  
TA: dunno why we diidn't do thii2 the fiir2t tiime, hone2tly.  


tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.

TT: This issn'''t neaerly as much fun as drviving, I haveto say.  
TT: Butttits' like, at leaast I get to be in the front passgenger seat.  
TT: So that;s still coool!  
CG: ROSE, HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU TYPE LIKE SHIT.  
GA: She May Still Be Under The Influence Of The Martinis  
GA: Rose Put That Down Im Restricting Your Access To That Stuff For Now  
TT: Awww, come _ooooooonnn!_  
CG: ALL RIGHT, WELL. LET'S PROCEED.  


Today, on this crisp winter evening, John is practicing card tricks. He's working on making the jack of spades appear at will from any part of the deck. The first few runs have been going great, he's five for five today! 

Until he fumbles the cards and the entire deck flutters to the floor. It turns out _every_ card is the jack of spades. The observers watch the warm glow of satisfaction in accomplishment fade on his face, to be replaced by dismay and then perplexity. 

CG: HMPH. WELL, HE CAN TELL SOMETHING'S GOING ON.  
CG: MAYBE.  
CG: HE'S KIND OF DULL.  
TT: Haha, John"snot a particulraly subtle mind.  
TT: This iswhy,, I was goign for more dramactic invertentions atfirst.  
TA: poiint  
TA: ii gue22  
GA: Hmmm  


They watch John pick up the cards, shuffle them, then turn them over to see whether they've changed back yet. Then the same thing twice more, using different shuffling methods. Then he goes through the motions of his trick before checking again. This tedious, purely empirical method of investigation will get him precisely jack nowhere. 

TT: My apoplogies if thisis a stupid quetsion.  
TT: Buut, what exatcly are you envdevouring to accomplice here?  
TT: If I had a clearear presperctive on the detsintation, I could prehaps more friuftully indicnate the road to reach it.  
GA: There Are Two Phases To Our Study  
GA: The First Is A General Survey Of Human Emotional Reactions To Various Unusual Stimuli In Their Environment  
GA: The Second Is A More Active Subprotocol Meant To Establish First Contact With Exemplary Members Of The Species  
GA: And Provide Them With Inarguable Yet Specific Proof Of Benevolent Alien Presence  
GA: Thus Initiating A New Era Of Peaceful Cultural Exchange  
GA: You Are By Now Well Into The Cultural Exchange Part By The Way  
TT: Heh. Adhere I thot you were just trollling me the swhole time.  
GA: Looking Back On My Notes It Gradually Became Clear To Me  
GA: That You Had Subverted The Protocol And Were Trolling Us  
TT: Whooo, meeee? Naaah.  
TT: *wonk!*  


Having satisfied himself now that his deck has transmuted irrevocably into fifty-two identical copies of the jack of spades, John takes a hole punch and marks one of the cards. He shuffles them again and tries to produce the marked card. 

He doesn't succeed. The observers wince. 

CG: WOW, HE'S REALLY NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS.  
CG: I THINK I'VE SEEN ENOUGH. HE'S NOT PHASE TWO MATERIAL.  
TT: Waiwaiwaiwaiwait.  
TT: Kanynya, may I suggetst,,,  
GA: Its Still Kanaya Rose  
TT: Sorry!  
TT: *Kanaya.  
TT: Woooww, what a prtetty name.  
GA: Thank You  
GA: Please Get It Right Next Time  
TA: oh my fuckiing god, get a block you two.  


Rose whispers into Kanaya's ear, giggling like a wiggler. Kanaya raises one eyebrow in Rose's direction, receiving in return an emphatic nod of encouragement. She doesn't see how this will succeed where all else has failed, but decides it can't hurt to try. Her fingers deftly navigate the app menus to set up the desired intervention. 

Shortly, John's computer emits a repeating chip-tune sequence of five notes, separated by wide intervals on a major scale, as it reverts to factory settings and begins to display a torrent of prime numbers. John's eyes widen as his annoyance turns to keen curiosity. He returns to the marked deck, plucks the seventeen of spades from the middle, then turns over all the cards to reveal only prime-numbered cards in four balanced suits. 

He stares, riveted, at the cards, and his whole face suddenly lights up with excitement. At once he begins scurrying around his room, pulling things from their places: a suitcase from under his bed, a wodge of unmatched socks from the bottom dresser drawer, some T-shirts and jeans from the closet. He takes an impulsive inventory of his remaining effects before pulling the _Contact (1997)_ movie poster down from the wall, rolling it up and placing it reverently in a short poster tube. 

Then he stops, looking up at the light fixture, back at his computer, and finally hurrying to the window, where he waits breathlessly. 

TA: wow, biingo.  
GA: Rose This Is A Very Impressive Result  
TT: Damn stragiht it is!  
CG: HOW THE PANSCRAPING *FUCK* WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WAS THE RIGHT STIMULUS?!  
TT: You are infussiciently familliar with classic Earth flilm meideia, uh.  
TT: Uhhh.  
TT: Whavevter your nmae is, CG.  
TA: karkat.  
TT: Yaeh. Kartkat.  
TT: *Kakrat.  
TT: **Kraktat.  
TT: Gooddammit.  
GA: I Suddenly Feel Better Now And Maybe A Little Smug  
CG: YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS FIRST LEUI^^^LIEU^C  
CG: HOLY *SHIT* WHY CAN'T I TYPE AS FAST AS ANY OF YOU!!!  
TT: L;ogging mroe hours of drnuk tyipng than., I care to amdit, is how.  
CG: THAT'S _FIRST LIEUTENANT VANTAS_ , OR "SIR", TO YOU!  
TT: Noupe. Too long.  
TA: hahaha, ii know, riight?  
CG: GOD, CAPTOR, DON'T GO ENCOURAGING HER  


John's still waiting. He's looking a little impatient now. 

TT: So, Kitkat.  
CG: _IT'S *KARKAT*!!!_  
CG: GOD *DAMN* IT, GET IT RIGHT!!!  
CG: SOLLUX EVEN FUCKING SPELLED IT FOR YOU, CAN'T YOU CUT AND PASTE?!?!  
TT: Haha, ok, Karkat it is.  
CG: RIGHT, *THANK* YOU.  
CG: WAIT  
CG: ARGH, _NO!!!!!_  
TA: ooh, 2he'2 good.  
GA: Never Mind Im Back To Feeling Frustrated Again  
TT: Annyways, Karkat, pretnentious tittles aside.  
TT: Are youu gogna take John with you, or not?  
CG: ARE YOU INSANE? HE'S A GODDAMN TRAIN WRECK!  
CG: IS HE REALLY THAT CREDIBLE, THAT HE WOULD INTERPRET THESE STIMULI AS ALIEN FIRST CONTACT BECAUSE _THEY REMIND HIM OF A MOVIE HE LIKES?!?!_  
CG: THERE'S NO WAY THIS VACANT-PANNED NIMROD COULD ADJUST TO LIFE ON AN INTERSTELLAR SCIENCE VESSEL WITH ANYTHING LIKE THE ALACRITY NEEDED TO JUSTIFY HIS UPKEEP!  
TT: Hey, Mrr Smarstysass Ailien Karkat Pants.  
TT: John maay not be top of; his class., but hes' no dnummy.  
TT: You dono't have to bring him, but do'nt keep isnulting him on topof it.  
CG: SAYS THE WOMAN WHO CAN'T SPELL HER WAY OUT OF A BROWN FOLIATED MEALSACK.  
CG: ANYWAY, IT'S A HARD NO. WE CAN'T USE HIM.  
CG: MOVING THE FUCK ON. NEXT.  


Just as he's ready to give up, John hears a faint whirr at the edge of his hearing. He throws open the window to see a misshapen purple blob shrink to a spot against the sinking sun. In the months to follow he will hold forth at great length about this occurrence several times to his good friend Rose; the most emphatic response she will give to his ramblings is a slight Mona Lisa half-smile. 

The only souvenir he has of the occasion is a deck of perfectly normal playing cards, in which the jack of spades has a hole in its head. 


	3. Subject 137746-2381S, "Dave Strider"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worry I may have written myself into a corner here, because I legitimately don't know how the hell I'm going to top this one. It just... ran away from me. I'll do my best!

TA: ugh, who'2 thii2 douchebag?!  
TA: ii dunno iif ii even feel liike te2tiing hiim iin the fiir2t place.  
GA: Regardless Of Your Snap Judgments  
GA: This Subject Is On Our Schedule  
TT: I'll have you know that that douchebag is my dear brother, Sollux.  
TA: ii2 hii2 typiing any better than your2?  
TA: full offen2e.  
TT: None taken as such. More like, grudgingly received.  
TT: His typing is thoroughly adequate for his own benighted purposes.  
CG: WAIT, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ROSE?!  
CG: COULD THESE BE COMPLETE, GRAMMATICAL SENTENCES I JUST READ?  
CG: WHITHER THE INANE, FRAGMENTARY SOLILOQUIES ABOUT AIRBORNE LOAD GAPERS?  
TT: Oh, can it.  
TT: I don't feel any special obligation to justify my drunkself's peculiar orthography and syntax to a self-righteous alien who's already decided to severely underestimate her intellectual capacities.  
TT: So lighten up, Kitkat, and enjoy the show.  
CG: OH, THAT IS *IT*  
CG: _YOU HAVE NO EXCUSES LEFT FOR GETTING MY NAME WRONG THIS TIME, YOU TWO-FACED NOOKSQUAWKER_  
TT: Sorry, did I make any?  
TA: pffhaahaahahaha!!!  
TA: 2core another one for ro2e, that fuckiing ruled.  
CG: FORTUNATELY, CAPTOR'S CONTINUED INSUBORDINATION LETS ME KNOW IT'S STILL HIM AT THE CONSOLE AFTER ALL!  
CG: SERIOUSLY, FUCK BOTH OF YOU!!!  
GA: Anyway Sollux  
GA: My Point Is You Dont Have To Feel Like It But You Do Have To Do It  
CG: *AUGH*  
CG: YES. AGREED.  
CG: LET'S GET THIS TEDIOUS BULLSHIT OVER WITH SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE IMPORTANT BUSINESS OF NEVER SPEAKING ABOUT IT AGAIN.  
TA: yeah yeah, ok. keep your collectiive pant2 on.  
TA: fiiriing up the cur2or.  


Kanaya looks up from her palmhusk back towards her host. Rose has by now shed that wild, lurching abandon, and regained her air of enigma and some semblance of fine motor control. The decision to confiscate the gin bottle seems to have paid off. 

As if on cue, a single farcical raspberry escapes from between Rose's lips. 

GA: So Yes As Our Team Leader Has Just Astutely Observed  
GA: Our Consultant May Be Somewhat Less Incapacitated Now  
GA: Her Typing Has Improved Significantly As You Can See  
GA: It Appears The Martinis Are Finally Wearing Off  
TT: Still riding a very pleasant buzz, though.  
TT: But I won't need any more martinis to enjoy this next scene.  
GA: That Seems Encouraging And Also A Bit Foreboding  
TT: I've switched to absinthe now. More bohemian. More _fin-de-siecle._  
TT: Makes the heart grow fonder, they say. Sure you don't want to try?  
GA: Thanks Rose But I Must Decline  
GA: Also Where Did You Get That From  
GA: I Thought I Had Cordoned Off All Your Intoxicants  
TT: A lady never just _gives away_ her secrets.  
TT: Though she can sometimes be persuaded to _trade_ them. ;)  
GA: Im Not Sure I Need To Contribute Further To The Cycle Of Intemperance  
TT: It's usually more of a ramp than a cycle on nights like these, Junebug.  


Kanaya blushes light green and stares ever more intently at her palmhusk. Add that one to the pile of shameless green-themed nicknames Rose has made up for her between test subjects, which hasn't stopped from getting taller. The last one, after an ill-timed grimace at Rose's ongoing tomfoolery, was "Midori Sour", which she later learned was yet another intoxicant. Eyeing the new beverage's hue with resignation, she hopes Rose doesn't start calling her Absinthe next. 

She runs a surreptitious image search on "Junebug". The shiny insect is actually quite pretty. 

This only makes her blush all the more. 

TA: ok, cur2or i2 go.  
TA: let'2 get thii2 fuckiing te2t on the road.  
GA: Youll Be Pleased To Know The Testing Agenda Is Incredibly Brief  


The subject appears to be completely absorbed in screentime activities. Dozens of browser windows litter his display, with various forms of visual media pulsing on them in garish, blocky tones. He's wearing a broad-framed set of shades, most likely augmented-reality-enabled, and a bulky pair of headphones, most likely noise-cancelling; one can therefore assume he is also an audiophile who can no more hear distractions from the outside world than see them. He slouches carelessly back in his chair, clicking economically with one lazy finger to propel himself down the river of content. 

Despite this veneer of total sensory immersion, he clearly has a sixth sense telling him when he is being watched. He shows no outward signs of awareness of a diminutive silver disc gliding silently through the air, on an approach to his open window. Yet the moment it alights on the sill coincides precisely with the moment in which he faces off against its tiny occupant, armed with a thin, elegant sword previously mounted on the wall to his left. 

The pilot, a doll-sized green humanoid with a bulbous nose and droopy antennae, regards the tip of the sword with mild-mannered interest for a suitably polite interval. It rummages in the glove box of its pint-sized craft, then unfurls a banner, in the human's English language, reading: _**TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.**_

CG: OH GOD, ROSE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING *THIS* TIME?!  
CG: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUBTLETY? YOU CAN'T JUST FUCKING *TELL* THEM YOU'RE AN ALIEN, THEY HAVE TO WORK FOR IT!  
TT: Hold your figutarive horsees, Karkat, and allwow teh Lalonde majyyks to work theier majjyk.  
CG: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF *FUCK*, HERE SHE GOES AGAIN  
CG: LOOK, IF THEY BELIEVE YOU RIGHT OFF, THEY'RE A MORON AND AREN'T WORTHY OF FURTHER NOTICE.  
CG: AND CONVERSELY, IF THEY HAVE EVEN A FRACTION OF THE INTELLECTUAL FIREPOWER AND SKEPTICISM WE'RE SHOOTING FOR, THEY WON'T BELIEVE YOU, AND NOW YOU'VE PRIMED THEM TO NOT BELIEVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU DO!  
CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THERE'S A WHOLE PSYCHOLOGICAL LITERATURE ON PRIMING, IT'S A WELL-KNOWN EFFECT!  
TT: I've reaed it.  
TT: I even rwote some of it.  
TT: I did my senoir theisis on congitive baises.  
CG: WELL SHIT, I GIVE UP. I AM COWED INTO SUBMISSION BY YOUR AWE-INSPIRING CREDENTIALS.  
CG: YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME AGAIN, ROSE, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY FULL OF SHIT.  
TT: And you, sir, have _flawlessly_ illustrated the whole concept of priming with that very statement, along with confirmation bias.  
TT: Trust me, Crabcakes. I have this situation locked the fuck down.  
TT: We're operating several levels above your banal dilemma's horns.  
CG: *WHAT* THE  
CG: _FFFFFHGLJKFHLKFJGL_  
CG: FUCK THIS, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE, THIS IS STUPID.  
CG: I'M TELLING YOU, I'VE SEEN THIS EXACT DYNAMIC PLAYED OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN OVER HUNDREDS OF FIRST CONTACT INTERACTIONS WITH DOZENS OF ALIEN SPECIES.  
CG: THERE IS A REASON I'M THIS VESSEL'S CHIEF SCIENCE OFFICER, YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM ME!  
TT: Hall hard on those rains. Donut let the dam horses bolt.  
TT: They'll be thundering there weigh a cross the Finnish lien soon enough.  
TT: Just a few minuets. That's all I ask!  


Rose's brother raises one eyebrow quizzically above his shades. "Seriously, dude?" 

The pilot nods. 

Dave stows his sword and crouches down to eye level with the saucer pilot, peering first at its left side, then at its right. He picks up the pilot, turns it over in his hands, and scratches its back with his fingernail. He painstakingly examines every exposed square inch of rubbery green skin for some hieroglyphics of purpose he'll recognize only when he sees them. He puts the pilot down, picks up the flying disc, and squints at the array of tiny instruments in the cockpit. He raises the disc into the air, lets it go (it remains aloft), spins it on its axis as fast as its inertia will allow. Throughout this all-too-thorough vetting, the pilot remains inert, its expression placid and non-threatening. 

Finally, after another two minutes of chin-scratching, Dave throws up his hands and shrugs in an affected display of nonchalance. 

"Welp, you got me, buddy," he says. "You got me good. I'm stumped like a Canadian lumberjack who just sawed down the last blue spruce in the Yukon and put himself out of a job. I salute whatever evil geniuses on, I dunno, planet fucking Jupiter or whatever, who first pulled a used block of stale plasticine out of the fridge and slapped you together to do their dirty work. I have no clue whether you just flew in from Alpha Centauri or Ed Wood's garage, but I don't give any more fucks about that than I have clues, and I'd rather camp out in an overflowing porta-john on a hot night in Juarez than let a meme this ripe slip through my grubby little fingers. You're, like, astronaut Gumby or some shit, your click-through stats are gonna fly off to the sun. Google's gonna be your _bitch,_ li'l bro. 

"So I tell you what, let's you and me execute on Plan Nine while the execution's good. Like they say in Sin City, you scratch my back, and I scratch yours, _¿comprende, amigo?_ " 

CG: THIS INSUFFERABLE PRICK IS ACTUALLY *RELATED* TO ROSE?!  
TA: oh yeah, ii can totally 2ee the re2emblance now.  
CG: HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'S UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ANY SUBSTANCES.  
CG: BUT I STILL DON'T THINK I UNDERSTOOD A SINGLE WORD HE JUST SAID.  
TA: heheh, don't 2weat iit. pretty 2ure iit'2 not that iimportant.  


Dave saunters back over to his workspace and picks up his smartphone. "Come on, broheim, get back in the saucer. Yeah, cool. Vamp a little for me. Nah, other elbow, other elbow. Head like this. Oh god, your entire shtick is so retro B-grade I think I'm gonna crap myself. Ironically, of course." 

Kanaya frantically turns to Rose and mouths a silent wail of protest. Rose's coquettish smile and fluttering lashes brook no argument: she Has To Do It. 

GA: Damn It Rose Are You Trying To Give Me Cramps In The Frond Nubs  
GA: The Cursor Isnt Meant To Be Used For This Kind Of Micromanagement  
GA: Much Less In Its Minimalist Touch Screen Palmhusk Interface  
GA: If You Want A Puppet Go Pull The Strings Yourself  
TT: You're doing great, Kanaya.  
TT: But if you want to make contact with Dave, this has to be perfect.  
TT: So that extra effort will make all the difference, I promise.  


So she stoically pinches and kneads the cursor interface as Dave takes a series of still shots, coaxing the pilot's flabby, sexless body into paradoxically lewd poses. Then, over the next ten minutes and several takes, he produces, directs, and stars in a tragicomic pantomime for the attentionally challenged: the tiny spacefarer flies in and lands, displays the banner, then performs a brief cabaret of popular club dances from bygone decades -- all in the background, while Dave plays video games in the foreground and pretends to be oblivious to its presence. 

GA: This Has  
GA: All The Trappings  
GA: Of An Elaborate Prank  
TA: heheh, ii don't really give a 2hiit iif we're prankiing him.  
TA: wiith all the2e garbage protocol2, prankiing and te2tiing are practiically the 2ame thiing.  
TA: iit 2hould be pretty funny either way.  
CG: GOD DAMN IT, ENSIGN CAPTOR, COULD YOU TRY TO TAKE A *LITTLE* MORE PRIDE IN YOUR WORK FOR A CHANGE?  
CG: I MEAN, FUCK ROSE, I NO LONGER EXPECT HER TO TAKE ANY OF THIS SERIOUSLY.  
CG: BUT CAN WE HAVE ONE PERSON *BESIDES* ME WHO WANTS OUR MISSION TO SUCCEED?  
TA: 2orry kk, ii'm two bu2y optiimiiziing the 2hell'2 load balanciing duriing thii2 riidiiculou2 workout kn ii2 giiviing iit two giive a 2hiit about how hard you thiink ii'm workiing riight now.  
CG: @#$@#&$^#@*&^!!!!!  
GA: Bless You Sollux  
GA: Damn You Rose  
GA: And With Respect Sir  
GA: Please Get Stuffed  


In a tense moment of truth, Dave drags a thumb across his phone, reviewing the fruits of Kanaya's labor with nearly imperceptible micro-nods and brow inflections. At length, a shit-eating grin spreads across his face, and he congratulates his performer on a meme well done. A few more joint selfies later, he solemnly hands the pilot a print-out of what he claims are some "Google Maps" directions to the "White House" ("but you missed Obama, he's not there anymore and the new tenant is a real piece of work if you ask me, so strictly between bros I wouldn't bother with that shit") and wishes him "bon fucking voyage". 

The pilot salutes and shuts the cockpit. 

The flying saucer lifts off with a gentle whine and floats away into the twilight. 

Kanaya dumps the palmhusk unceremoniously on the couch and starts stretching out her right forearm with an audible sigh of relief. Rose disappears into the kitchen, returning shortly with a bucket of ice and a mysteriously produced second glass of absinthe. She's topped her own off as well. 

Placing the drink for her guest on a nearby end table, Rose takes Kanaya's cramped hand and clutches it to her chest. Her shining eyes glisten with sentiment -- pride? passion? gratitude? yes, of course -- suspended in a sunbeam between the two of them, in a moment of innocence and joy, a precious moment to be held close while it lasts. 

"You did great, Junebug. You did _shooo_ well. You made _hisstory_ t'night. _Herstory,_ even!" 

Then Rose's composure fails spectacularly, and she bursts into peals of side-splitting laughter as she begins to massage Kanaya's forearm in earnest. 

Kanaya can't tell whether she should blush or beam. So she does both. 

**== >**

CG: WHAT THE... FUCK. EVEN WAS THAT.  
TT: It was a succeffsul test, is whattit was.  
TT: Quit yuor whigning,arleady, Crawcaught.  
TT: Let;s have a toaast! To inperstecies ecxhange.  
CG: NO, THAT, UH.  
CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.  
GA: Please Lieutenant Vantas  
GA: If You Dont Toast With Her Shell Insist I Drink It On Your Behalf  
CG: LOOK, WE'VE BEEN RUNNING FOLLOW-UP OBSERVATIONS ON THE TEST SUBJECT FOR THE PAST FOUR INCREDIBLY DULL HOURS NOW.  
CG: AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HIS MENTALITY THE ENTIRE TIME.  
CG: HE DIDN'T QUESTION OUR AVATAR ABOUT ITS SPECIES OR MISSION, EVEN THOUGH I HAD A WHOLE SCRIPT PREPARED IN CASE HE DID.  
CG: SO, I GUESS THAT WAS A WASTE OF MY TIME?  
CG: BUT HE DIDN'T FLAT OUT DISBELIEVE IT.  
CG: HE JUST, INVITED IT IN, AND... DID THIS WEIRD... FILM THING.  
CG: IT WASN'T EVEN A DOCUMENTARY. MORE LIKE, I DUNNO, PERFORMANCE ART.  
CG: DID HE EVEN SHARE IT WITH ANYONE?  
CG: WHAT WAS HE THINKING?  
CG: HE LOOKS LIKE HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING ELSE.  
CG: HASN'T TRIED TO CONTACT HIS FRIENDS, OR THE AUTHORITIES.  
CG: HE'S JUST SITTING THERE WATCHING SOME BAR GRAPH WITH AN AXIS TITLED "TOTAL BULLSHIT" UPDATE ON HIS SCREEN.  
CG: WE'RE EVEN TAPPING HIS NETWORK CONNECTION, BUT IT'S JUST GIBBERISH.  
TA: kk. have you 2eriiou2ly never heard of a vpn.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.  
TA: oh my god. you know what, never miind.  
TA: a2 fuckiing u2ual, ii'm liike at lea2t three 2tep2 ahead of all of you.  
TA: https://www.jabberdock.com/hashtag/MissedTheAliens  
TA: https://www.instaspam.com/hashtag/MissedTheAliens  
TA: https://www.twitster.com/hashtag/MissedTheAliens  
TA: and 2o on.  


Kanaya flicks over to her web browser and pastes one of Sollux's links in. A bottomless well of captioned images and embedded video fills her screen, all of them permutations of Dave's face with her avatar in the background. A sizable fraction of the thumbnails are the same, and she guesses this is the original video. 

She taps on one of them, descriptively titled "FUCK I MISSED THE ALIENS". Dave takes up the left edge of the screen, and the camera focuses on him for ninety seconds while the saucer pilot's slightly unfocused form twitches and spasms in the background. After this it clambers back into the saucer and flies away, and only then does Dave look over. 

Her dancing wasn't good. But Dave is a good editor, and she has to admit that his work has a sort of appeal in its absurdist bent. This would do well in certain online enclaves on Alternia. 

CG: UH. OKAY.  
CG: BUT SO WHAT, ENSIGN.  
CG: SO YOU'VE BEEN SURFING SOCIAL MEDIA AT WORK. WHY IS THAT NEWS.  
TA: martyr'2 fuck, kk, ii2n't that where you'd go iif you were tryiing two fiind out what had been 2hared wiith whom?  


Kanaya keeps scrolling down, almost forgetting to breathe. 

Thousands of users have projected their own hopes, fears, and humors directly on the alien in the background: were these dances warnings, threats, or a coded promise to return? They try to interpret its dances using all the languages at their disposal: Morse code, Navy semaphores, tai chi, the twist, the Macarena. The blurriness of the visitor leads some to speculate, posting stills from the film alongside their own artist's impressions, none of them looking much like the original she designed to careful specs from Rose. 

Many thousands more, however, have simply propagated the film with little additional comment beyond "OMG THIS IS AWESOME". Just as many have modified the film in some way. There are clearly doctored videos where the saucer pilot is a much more talented dancer than she could ever have made it. There are other, much shorter films where the saucer pilot is edited in, to dance incongruously behind royal weddings, state dinners, political rallies, funerals, wild animals mating on the savannah. These are even more absurd. 

The overwhelming majority of them never ask where the alien came from, or whether it is real. 

TA: 2o ii've had a 2criipt moniitoriing any ha2htag matching /[Aa]lien/ two 2ee iif anythiing blew up.  
TA: a2 you can 2ee, all of the2e 2iite2 are trendiing #MissedTheAliens.  
TA: now, becau2e ii'm a fuckiing geniiu2, ii've already mapped the propagatiion of the ha2htag acro22 the network.  
TA: the fiir2t mention2 2tarted at thii2 2iite, almo2t four hour2 ago.  
TA: http://therealultimatetruthaboutaliens.com/  


Kanaya clicks. This is the only site she's seen so far that really tries to engage with the question of who the saucer pilot is and where it came from. There is little more to it than speculation, and the speculation is manifestly unhinged. The pilot is immortal; the pilot is invulnerable; the pilot is a trick with mirrors, a hologram, a post-hypnotic suggestion; the pilot is a mythical creature from the sunken continent of Atlantis, of Tir-na-nOg, of Shangri-La, of Avalon; the pilot is the reincarnation of John F. Kennedy, of John Birch, of John Travolta, of Jon-Benet Ramsey. They argue over whether the pilot can be the temporally displaced reincarnation of a figure who still seems to be alive from our reference frame. She scoffs; temporal displacement is perfectly sensible, but the metaphysical premises behind reincarnation were disproved centuries ago. 

She glances nervously towards Rose. Rose flutters her lashes again, but this time her smile is much more wicked than coquettish. 

CG: SO THAT'S, UH.  
CG: THAT'S THE SUBJECT'S VIDEO, IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.  
TA: yeah.  
CG: BUT THE ORIGINAL TRAFFIC DRIVER WAS... A CONSPIRACY THEORY WEBSITE.  
TA: mmhmm.  
CG: SO YOU'RE SAYING...  
CG: THAT THE SUBJECT SHARED HIS EVIDENCE WITH _CONSPIRACY THEORISTS._  
TA: that'2 what ii'm 2ayiing, ye2.  
CG: AND NOW THE WHOLE THING IS HUGE.  
CG: BUT THE TRACEABLE PROVENANCE OF THE VIDEO IS TAINTED.  
TA: pretty much, yeah.  
CG: DOES HE EVEN BELIEVE IT HIMSELF?  
TA: god, who the fuck even know2?  


"Wait for it..." 

CG: ...  
CG: ...  
CG: ...  


"...waaaaaiiiiiit for it..." 

CG: _*FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU*_  


An inexhaustible fountain of swears springs up in the shell memo. 

Rose's eyes are squeezed shut tight now, and her shoulders shiver rhythmically as she wheezes with silent laughter. She inclines her head towards Kanaya and shrugs helplessly as she laughs. Only when her face starts to turn the same shade of purple as her eyes does she finally take a huge gasping breath in, only to expel it all again in the next ten seconds. 

"Oh my god! Kanaya, _hhhhhhh,_ I, _ahahahaha, fuck!_ I can't, _hahahahahahahaha,_ I can't breathe! I'm gonna die! _Ahahahhahahaaaaaa!!!_ " 

"Rose!" Kanaya whispers. "Are you okay? Do you require medical attention?" 

"Yeah, _ahahaha,_ someone better, _pfffff,_ better _call the WAAAAAAHHHmbulance for Kitkat, ahahahahahaSNORT!!!_ " Her last phrase spirals upwards until her words are barely a squeak, and she resumes her near-silent, wheezing bout of breathless mirth. 

Kanaya doesn't know if this is an entirely normal human emotional response, nor does she have any idea what exactly a "waaaaaahhhmbulance" is. What she does know is that Rose is not actually in danger; that she has gotten the best of Karkat once again; that Dave is, in fact, a master of avant-garde art and a shrewd profiteer of humor; and that the truth about human response to alien contact is likely to be much, much bleaker than Karkat ever imagined. 

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] on an encrypted channel

TA: hey kn.  
TA: ii diidn't put thii2 iin the maiin memo, for obviiou2 rea2on2.  
TA: but your new giirlfriiend and her bro are even 2marter than we thought.  
GA: Shes Not My Girlfriend!  
TA: hahaha, yeah, keep telliing your2elf that.  
GA: Anyway Shes Obviously Very Clever I Know That  
GA: But What Else Are You Trying To Explain Here  
TA: 2o, that con2piiracy rumor miill ii2 patiient zero.  
TA: but actually, iit'2 a dii2tactiion.  
TA: becau2e tho2e con2piiracy theory 2iite po2t2 weren't the oriigiinal ho2tiing 2iite for the viideo.  
TA: iit'2 embedded from a much larger 2iite that pay2 iit2 u2er2 for viiew2 from advertii2iing revenue.  
TA: al2o, there'2 an embedded liink iin the oriigiinal viideo two _thii2 other_ 2iite.  
TA: iit'2 been cra2hed three tiime2 iin the la2t hour due two 2tupiid volume2 of traffiic, but iit'2 miirrored from other 2iite2 iin the 2ame domaiin.  
TA: http://sbahj.totalbullshit.net/  


Kanaya clicks. 

The original video, still titled "FUCK I MISSED THE ALIENS", is at the top of the "All-New Bullshit" list in the sidebar. It has nearly a million views and several thousand comments. 

All the other videos are also of Dave doing similarly absurd things with deadpan expressions. None of them are remotely this popular. 

GA: How Did You Find This  
TA: ii found iit by par2iing the 2ource code for one of the page2.  
TA: but iimportantly, you can get there by cliickiing on the danciing avatar'2 head when iit 2how2 up iin the oriigiinal viideo.  
TA: 2o iit'2, liike, a 2ecret me22age for anyone who happen2 two fiind iit.  
TA: and u2er2 are re2pondiing two that part of iit, two.  
TA: thii2 guy ii2 fuckiing _amaziing._  
GA: So Hes Using The Video To Direct Traffic To His Own Site  
GA: Is That What You Mean  
TA: you diid notiice he ha2 merch, riight.  
TA: or rather, that he ha2 2old out of merch now, riight.  
TA: plea2e tell me you notiiced thii2.  
GA: Oh My God  
GA: Youre Telling Me Hes Profiting Off Of First Contact  
TA: haha, nah.  
TA: he'2 profiitiing off of _viiew2 of the viideo._  
TA: ii don't thiink he eiither know2 or care2 that iit wa2 all real.  
GA: And Does  
GA: Does Rose Know What Shes Done  
TA: heh, ii dunno.  
TA: but iif 2he tell2 him, and he giive2 her a cut, 2he'2 gonna be fuckiing loaded after about a month of thii2.  
TA: 2o, get ready two enjoy 2ome fancy diinner2, ii gue22.  
GA: Holy Fucking Shit  
TA: all ii'm 2ayiing ii2, ii thought you'd want two be iin on the joke.  
TA: but 2eriiou2ly, don't tell kk.  
TA: iit'2 way funniier thii2 way.  


twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

In the months to come, Dave's Internet business will explode. Rose's and Dave's older brother Dirk, a whiz with a needle and thread, will throw together a plush facsimile of the saucer pilot and launch it at Dave's online store within a week of the video going viral. Many places will make cheap knockoffs, but the originals will come with seals of authenticity and evolve fast enough to stay a few steps ahead: editions filled with silicone; editions with varieties of imaginative orifices; editions that, when squeezed, scream "FUCK I MISSED THE ALIENS" in Dave's most ironic squawk. They'll sell like proverbial hotcakes. 

Dave will register www.fuckimissedthealiens.com, hosted by totalbullshit.net behind the scenes, and continue to expand his empire. A Youtube channel full of badly remixed alien antics will follow. Competing memes will arise, but they'll rarely be as successful as Dave's own variations on the theme, and the successful ones will almost always be promoted from Dave's or Dirk's own sock-puppet accounts -- the same accounts, Sollux eventually finds out, that cross-posted the video into mainstream social media and caused it to go viral in the first place. 

With his share of the substantial revenue, Dirk will invest heavily in constructing fully autonomous, AI-driven alien puppets. CGI appearances of the saucer pilot were already common, but things'll really take off when Dave takes the robotic saucer pilot onto the late-night TV circuit. The saucer pilot will start to appear in commercials and gain major endorsement deals. It won't be clear when Dave and Dirk transition from being merely wealthy to Officially Filthy Rich, but they won't dream of retiring. There will still be so many directions they can take this, and all of them will be _fucking hilarious._

Dave will speculate about the origin of the mysterious alien to Rose, but only in the occasional idle moment when he's not counting his money or posting ever more ironic stuff. Since he'll have literally no idea what to do with all that liquid cash, and will feel guilty about only two out of three siblings cashing in on the craze, he'll start sponsoring Rose's own activities with a tiny sliver of the proceeds: a cabin in the Maine woods, a cabinet full of expensive cognac, a generous stipend that enables her to quit her day job and start writing full time. He'll be pleased to see Rose sell her first book the following year and start to come into her own as an author. 

Rose hasn't decided yet when, or whether, she'll tell Dave. For the moment, she keeps her own counsel, moving on from massaging Kanaya's cramped arm to assailing the thickening wall of tension behind her shoulder blades. And naturally, she continues to snicker at the creative new expletives Karkat is generating in the main memo. 


	4. Due Process

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is _not_ the chapter I _thought_ I was gonna post for y'all today, but it may or may not be the chapter you _need_. Who can honestly say they didn't need more menacing Chief Prosecutor Terezi in this fic? Or more sleazy Captain Eridan? Yeah, didn't think so.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board TEAM SCIENCE FTW.

CG: THIS IS TO NOTIFY EVERYONE THAT I HAVE LODGED A FORMAL COMPLAINT WITH THE OFFICE OF THE FLEET ADMIRAL TO TERMINATE THE MARYAM PROTOCOL.  
CG: IT'S TURNING OUT TO BE AN EVEN BIGGER DISASTER THAN I HAD IMAGINED.  
CG: SCIENCE STAFF TURNING OVER CONTROL OF OUR RESEARCH PROGRAM TO THE TEST SUBJECTS, WHO THEN PROCEED TO USE IT TO PLAY PRANKS WITH REALITY.  
CG: SCIENCE STAFF PERSONALLY COMPROMISED BY THE TEST SUBJECTS.  
CG: TEST SUBJECTS SUBVERTING OUR TEST STIMULI TO ENGINEER PLANETARY-SCALE MEDIA INCIDENTS, THUS PREJUDICING MILLIONS OF OTHER POTENTIAL SUBJECTS.  
CG: TEST SUBJECTS POTENTIALLY COLLUDING WITH EACH OTHER TO INFLUENCE RESULTS OF THE TESTS.  
CG: IT'S ALL WORSE THAN A COMPLETELY USELESS WASTE OF RESOURCES.  
CG: WE'RE SHOOTING OURSELVES IN THE FOOT WITH THIS SPECIES HERE.  
CG: AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.  


caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo.  


CA: tryin your wwhinin ovver my nug thing again you little shit  
CG: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN A COMMANDING OFFICER ABDICATES HIS DUTY?!  
CA: ...  
CG: _SIR._  
CA: is that mutiny talkin vvantas  
CA: right here in a wwide open memo  
CA: should i start sleepin wwith one eye open  
CA: or should i start wwarmin up that cell in the brig for you  
CG: YOU KNOW THAT'S A GROSS DISTORTION OF MY INTENTIONS HERE.  
CG: AS MUCH, AND AS *PLATONICALLY*, AS I HATE YOUR SMARMY ASS, I'M PERFECTLY CONTENT TO LET YOU STAY IN COMMAND OF THE VESSEL, MOST OF THE TIME.  
CG: BUT ON MATTERS LIKE THIS, WHEN YOU'RE TRANSPARENTLY NOT DOING YOUR JOB, POSSIBLY FOR SELF-SERVING REASONS, I CAN'T LET THAT SHIT SLIDE.  
CG: I JUST, I *PHYSICALLY* CAN'T.  
CG: AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, I DO THINGS BY THE BOOK, AND GO THROUGH _THE PROPER CHANNELS,_ TO KEEP FROM HANDING YOU THE KNIFE TO STAB ME WITH.  
CA: oh no wwhat wwill i do  
CA: lieutenant karkat vvantas is gonna throww the book at me  
CA: its so thick it could kill a meowwbeast just by droppin it  
CA: howw wwill my career evver recovver  
CG: YOU HAVEN'T LEFT ME ANY OTHER OPTIONS.  
CG: YOU'VE KNOWN THE WHOLE OPERATION WOULD BE A CLUSTERFUCK FROM DAY ONE, AND YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED ME TO WEAR IT.  
CG: WELL, FUCK THAT. I'M NOT HAVING IT ANYMORE.  
CA: look at all this black bile going to wwaste  
CA: you ever wwant to just drop all these pretences  
CA: and settle our differences the old fashioned way  
CA: mano a mano  
CA: by wwhich i mean man to man  
CG: YOU REALLY ARE ONE CREEPY SON OF A SEAHORSE, CAPTAIN AMPORA.  
CA: ah come on givve me a chance here  
CA: it could be hot  
CA: _kitkat_  
CG: ...  
CG: _YOU._  
CG: _YOU READ ALL OF THAT._  
CA: wwhat can i say  
CA: its interestin readin  
CA: and wwell wwithin my security clearance  
CG: YOU ABSOLUTE _FUCK._  
CG: _I'LL HAVE YOUR FINS FOR THIS._  
CA: heeeeey looks like you found your dark side lieutenant vvanitas  
CA: for a wwhile there i wwas wworried you wwere savvin yourself for that lalonde majyyk wwench after all  
CG: _I'M NOT *FLIRTING* WITH YOU, YOU HATESICK SHITBASTARD!!!_  
CA: nah course you aint  
CA: wwhy am i alwways second choice  
CA: though i gotta admit the rose human is a good first one  
CG: _NOT HER EITHER,_ AUGH  
CG: WHO AM I KIDDING, OF COURSE YOU READ EVERYTHING, YOU DEBAUCHED EELSKIN.  
CG: THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF WEIRD FANTASY YOU GET YOUR GLOBES OFF TO.  
CG: BUT THAT'S NOT THE CRITICAL ISSUE HERE.  
CG: OUR REPORTS ARE OPEN, BUT OUR RAW NOTES ARE NOT!  
CG: IT'S A CRITICAL PART OF OUR INDEPENDENCE AS RESEARCHERS!  
CG: THERE ARE *REASONS* YOU CAN'T INTERFERE, THERE ARE *RULES* TO PREVENT IT, AND I AM *NOT* LETTING YOU USE THIS AS AMMUNITION TO UNDERMINE THE REST OF OUR SCIENCE OPERATIONS!  
CA: ooh i lovve it wwhen you talk principles to me  
CA: _crabcakes_  
CG: _I'M GONNA *FUCKING*_  
CG: NO. WAIT.  
CG: NO, I'M NOT. THAT'S HOW I LOSE HERE.  
CG: YOU'RE NOT BAITING ME ANYMORE. THIS ENDS NOW.  
CG: IT ENDS UNTIL THE INDEPENDENT REVIEW BOARD ARRIVES.  
CG: AND THEN, _AND ONLY THEN,_ IT'S GAME ON.  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.

GC: GOOD 3V3N1NG, G3NTL3M3N  
GC: TH4T 1S 4 _F4SC1N4T1NG_ SCROLLB4CK BUFF3R YOU'V3 G3N3R4T3D TH3R3  
GC: WH1CH, FOR TH3 S4K3 OF D3CORUM, 1 W1LL OM1T FROM TH3 PROC33D1NGS  
CG: COMMANDER PYROPE, MA'AM. WELCOME ONLINE.  
CG: AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR _EXTRAORDINARILY_ RAPID TURNAROUND.  
CA: _commander_ pyrope  
CA: heheheh figures  
CA: this little puddle is wway too small for peixes herself to wwade all the wway into a second time today  
GC: OH, M4K3 NO M1ST4K3, C4PT41N  
GC: MY OWN FORM4L R4NK 1S 1RR3L3V4NT TO TH3 PROC33D1NGS, S1NC3 1 4M H3R3 R3PR3S3NT1NG TH3 FL33T 4DM1R4L H3RS3LF!  
GC: YOU SHOULD 4SSUM3 TH4T TH1S 1NQU1RY H4S T33TH  
GC: 4ND TH4T TH3Y 4R3 V3RY SH4RP >:]  
CA: lovvely  
CA: wwell lets not wwaste any more of the admirals proxys time than wwe havve to here  
CG: AGREED.  
CG: THE SOONER WE START, THE SOONER YOU CAN GO TO HELL.  
GC: W3LL, TH4T DO3S S3T TH3 MOOD, DO3SN'T 1T?  
GC: NOW TH3N  
GC: L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S, W3 H4V3 R3V13W3D YOUR COMPL41NT DOSS13R THOROUGHLY 4ND W1TH GR34T 1NT3R3ST  
GC: 4S 4 R3SULT, TH3 4DM1R4L H4S 4SS3MBL3D H3R OWN SC13NC3 T34M TO CORROBOR4T3 YOUR 3V1D3NC3  
GC: 4ND TH3 F1ND1NGS 4R3 4LL V3RY V4LU4BL3!  
GC: SO V4LU4BL3, 1N F4CT, TH4T 1 F1ND MYS3LF 4T 4 LOSS TO 3XPL41N WHY YOU WOULD W4NT TO T3RM1N4T3 SUCH 4N OBV1OUSLY SUCC3SSFUL PROTOCOL!  
CG: COMMANDER?  
CG: I'M SORRY, I  
CG: I DON'T UNDERSTAND?  
GC: W3 4GR33 TH4T TH3 M3THODS 4R3... 1NNOV4T1V3  
GC: 4ND TH4T TH3 4N4LYS1S W1LL B3 COMPL1C4T3D 4ND T3D1OUS  
GC: BUT WHAT TH3 3XP3R1M3NT L4CKS 1N F1N3SS3  
GC: 1T M4K3S UP BY TH3 SH33R VOLUM3 OF D4T4 1T PRODUC3S  
CG: BUT WE HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING THAT MUCH DATA!  
CG: JUST THREE HUMANS SO FAR, IT'S HARDLY ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY THE RISK  
GC: OH, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S  
GC: YOU M4Y NOT H4V3 B33N T4K1NG 4NY MOR3 D4T4  
GC: _BUT W3 H4V3!_  
CG: I  
CG: YOU  
CG: WHAT?!  
CG: _MA'AM._  
GC: TH1NK OF 1T, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S, 4S 4 COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT TYP3 OF OBS3RV4T1ON  
GC: 4LL OUR 3XP3R1M3NTS B3FOR3 NOW H4VE T4K3N S1NGL3 HUM4NS 4S SUBJ3CTS  
GC: BUT NOW, FOR TH3 F1RST T1M3, W3'V3 FOUND 4 W4Y TO P3RTURB 4N 3NT1R3 SOC13TY 4T ONC3!  
GC: 4ND UNL1K3 M4N1PUL4T1ONS OF M4SS M3D1A, W3 R3T41N TH3 GR4NUL4R1TY OF 1ND1V1DUAL R3SPONS3S TO 4 UN1FORM 1N1T14L ST1MULUS!  
GC: ORD1N4R1LY, W3 WOULD N33D M4NY T1M3S TH3 R3SOURC3S OF YOUR T34M TO D3S1GN 4ND PRODUC3 4 S3LF-PROP4G4T1NG V1R4L T3ST ST1MULUS  
GC: BUT TH1S ROS3 HUM4N D1D 1T ON 4 SHO3STR1NG!  
GC: SH3 KN3W 3X4CTLY WH4T TO PR3S3NT TO YOUR TH1RD T3ST SUBJ3CT TO PRODUC3 4 V1R4L ST1MULUS TH4T W3 COULD TH3N STUDY  
GC: 4ND SO, T4K1NG 4 CU3 FROM 3NS1GN C4PTOR'S QU1CK TH1NK1NG  
GC: W3'V3 B33N MON1TOR1NG TH3 PROP4G4T1ON OF TH3 ST1MULUS THROUGH HUM4N SOC14L M3D1A S1T3S FOR TH3 L4ST H4LF HOUR  
GC: TH3 R3SULTS 4R3 F4SC1N4T1NG  
GC: 4ND YOUR T34M 1S TO B3 COMM3ND3D FOR TH1S BR34KTHROUGH!  
CG: WELL, HAHA, YES, OF COURSE.  
CG: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG, NATURALLY.  
CG: OF COURSE, THE RIGHT TEAM, WITH THE RIGHT SUPPORT...  
GC: YOU, ON TH3 OTHER H4ND  
GC: DON'T S33M TO H4V3 H4D 4NYTH1NG WH4TSO3V3R TO DO W1TH TH1S SUCC3SS  
GC: 1F 4NYTH1NG, YOU PROPOS3 OV3RLY CONS3RV4T1V3 4ND OUTD4T3D PROCESSES TH4T ST1FL3 SUCH 1NNOV4T1ON 1N 1TS CR3CH3  
GC: TH3Y S33M TO H4V3 SUCC33D3D _D3SP1T3_ YOUR L34D3RSH1P  
CG: MA'AM, I THINK IF YOU REVIEW THE HISTORICAL RECORD  
GC: 4ND ON TOP OF TH1S, H4V3 SHOWN SOME 4L4RM1NG 4ND 1N4PPROPR14T3 T3ND3NC13S TOW4RDS TH3 ROS3 HUM4N CONSULT4NT  
CG: YOU'LL FIND THAT CAUTION IS WARRANTED WHEN DEALI^^^^^?!?!?!^C  
CG: I'M SORRY, MA'AM, BUT *WHAT*  
CG: I'VE REPORTED CLEAR-CUT CASES OF OVERT FRATERNIZATION BETWEEN THE ROSE HUMAN AND ENSIGN MARYAM!  
CG: SURELY THIS IS WHAT ISN'T APPROPRIATE?  
GC: 1N 4LL TH3 T3XT W3 W3R3 4BL3 TO OBT41N, ENS1GN M4RYAM 1S ON R3CORD 4S 31TH3R 1GNOR1NG OR R3BUFF1NG TH3 ROSE HUM4N'S FLUSH3D 4DV4NC3S  
GC: 4ND M41NT41N1NG 4PPROPR14T3 PROFESS1ON4L BOUND4R13S  
CG: _IT'S ON THE FIRST PAGE OF THE FIRST MEMO, MA'AM!_  
GC: WH3R34S YOU S33M H3LL B3NT FOR CHOL3RB34R H1D3 ON TH3 MOST OUTR4G3OUS 4ND CONT1NU4L H4T3FL1RT1NG W1TH H3R!  
CG: I'M  
CG: MA'AM, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN  
CG: _SUFFERER'S STRAPPADO,_ DON'T MAKE ME WORK WITH THIS ROSE HUMAN ANYMORE  
GC: OF COURS3 W3 WON'T  
GC: W3 H4V3 NO D3S1R3 TO PROLONG TH1S OBV1OUS M1SM4TCH  
GC: BUT L3T 1T NOT B3 S41D WE G4V3 YOU NO NOT1C3!  
GC: W3 W1LL 4LLOW 4 S1NGL3 4DD1TION4L T3ST SUBJ3CT TO B3 CONT4CT3D UND3R YOUR SUP3RV1S1ON, 4S TH3 FL33T 4DM1R4L R3QU3ST3D FROM YOU  
GC: WH1CH SHOULD BR1NG YOU TO TH3 3ND OF TH3 R3SOURC3S OR1G1N4LLY 4LLOC4T3D TO YOUR PROGR4M  
GC: TH3R34FT3R, W3 W1LL CHOOS3 4 SUCC3SSOR TO CONT1NU3 TH3 N3W, MOR3 4MB1T1OUS PROGR4M OF OUR L4RG3-SC4L3 STUD13S OF HUM4N SOC13TY  
GC: 4ND TO BE P3RF3CTLY HON3ST 4ND TR4NSP4R3NT  
GC: TH1S ROS3 HUM4N 1S 1N TH3 RUNN1NG  
GC: 4S 4R3 3NS1GNS C4PTOR 4ND M4RY4M  
CG: MA'AM, ARE YOU TELLING ME I MIGHT _LOSE MY JOB TO ONE OF OUR FORMER TEST SUBJECTS?!?!_  
GC: W3LL!  
GC: WH4T 4 R3FR3SH1NGLY SUCC1NCT SUMM4RY OF TH3 S1TU4T1ON, L1EUTEN4NT!  
CG: I DON'T  
CG: YOU CAN'T  
GC: ...  
CG: OF COURSE, MA'AM. YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.  
GC: 3XC3LL3NT! SO GL4D TO H34R 1T!  
CA: so commander  
CA: should i assume im free to wwalk awway noww  
GC: C4RRY ON, C4PT41N 4MPOR4  
GC: YOU RUN 4 T1GHT SH1P H3R3, 4ND TH3 4DM1R4L H4S NO COMPL41NTS!  
GC: THOUGH SH3 D1D 4SK M3 TO R3M1ND YOU P3RSON4LLY  
GC: TO "K33P 1T 1N YOUR W3TSU1T"  
GC: SO TO SP34K  
GC: 1 H4V3N'T 4 CLU3 WH4T SH3 M34NS, BUT 1 4SSUM3 YOU DO >;]  
CA: ah yeah  
CA: of course commander  
CA: i know exactly wwhat shes talkin about  
CA: and can assure you my wwetsuit wwill retain its appropriate contents  
GC: V3RY GOOD.  
CG: MA'AM, I HAVE A COMPLAINT  
GC: W3 H4V3 4LR34DY D34LT W1TH YOUR COMPL41NT, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S  
CG: I WAS UNAWARE, AT THE TIME I MADE THAT COMPLAINT, OF THE ADDITIONAL FACT THAT CAPTAIN AMPORA HAS BEEN READING MY TEAM'S RAW NOTES.  
CG: IN GROSS VIOLATION OF THE NORM OF INDEPENDENCE AND NON-INTERFERENCE FOR SCIENTIFIC WORK ON ALTERNIAN NAVAL FLEET VESSELS.  
GC: OH, _R34LLY?_  
GC: MOST 1NT3R3ST1NG!  
GC: DO YOU 4DM1T TO TH1S, CAPTAIN?  
CA: haha yeah as a matter of fact i do  
CA: wwhat exactly is the problem wwith that  
GC: YOU H4V3N'T US3D 4NY KNOWL3DG3 4BSORB3D 1N TH1S W4Y FOR P3RSON4L G41N, 1N V1OL4T1ON OF YOUR LOYALTY O4TH 4ND OUR CONFL1CT OF 1NT3R3ST POL1CY?  
CA: no commander of course not  
CA: wwhy wwould i evven do that that wwould be really awwful shit  
GC: 1ND33D 1T WOULD!  
GC: YOU DO R3C4LL TH4T BL4CKM41L 4ND 3XTORT1ON F4LL UND3R 1N4PPROPR14T3 US3S OF SUCH R4W, UNCL34R3D 1NFORM4T1ON, DON'T YOU?  
CA: yes commander im awware  
CA: i can honestly say i havve blackmailed nobody during these protocols  
GC: 4ND 4T NO PO1NT H4V3 YOU 1NT3RF3R3D 1N TH3 4DM1N1STR4T1ON OF 4NY PROTOCOL, NOR H4V3 YOU D3STROY3D OR F4LS1F13D R3SULTS FOR 4NY R34SON?  
CA: i havve done exactly zero of those things commander  
GC: 4ND 1'M SO GL4D TO H34R 1T!  
GC: 4R3 YOU H3R3BY FORM4LLY 4CCUS1NG C4PT41N 4MPOR4 OF 4NY OF THOS3 TH1NGS, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S?  
CG: MA'AM, YOU KNOW THIS BOTTOMFEEDER AS WELL AS I DO.  
CG: WE BOTH KNOW IT'S ALMOST INCONCEIVABLE THAT HE WON'T BLACKMAIL _SOMEONE_ WITH THAT INFORMATION AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR FUTURE.  
GC: 4 SOB3R 4ND D4MN1NG 4SS3SSM3NT, L13UT3N4NT!  
GC: HOW3V3R, 1 KNOW 4S Y3T OF NO COURT OR TR1BUN4L 1N TH3 4LT3RN14N FL33T T4SK3D W1TH PROS3CUT1NG FUTUR3 CR1M3S  
GC: S1NC3 1T'S MUCH 34S13R TO G3T TH3 WRONG D3F3ND4NT 1N THOS3 C4S3S!  
GC: TH3R3FOR3, 4LLOW M3 TO R3PHR4S3  
GC: 4R3 YOU H3R3BY FORM4LLY 4CCUS1NG _PR3S3NT_ C4PT41N 4MPOR4 OF BL4CKM41L, L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S?  
CG: I  
CG: FFFFFF  
CG: NO MA'AM, I AM NOT.  
GC: TH3N 1T S33MS NO V1OL4T1ON H4S T4K3N PL4C3!  
GC: TH1S 1S 3XC3LL3NT N3WS TH4T 1'LL B3 PL34S3D TO NOT BOTH3R D3L1V3R1NG TO FL33T 4DM1R4L P31X3S, ON 4CCOUNT OF SH3'S BUSY 4ND NOTH1NG'S WRONG  
CG: _HE CALLED ME *CRABCAKES*!!!_  
GC: >:O  
GC: WHY C4PT41N  
GC: WHAT AN _OUTR4G3OUS_ 1NSULT!  
GC: WHY WOULD YOU C4LL L13UT3N4NT V4NT4S SUCH AN OUTR4G3OUS TH1NG?  
CA: wwell commander dont you think he kinda looks like a crabcake  
CA: his face in particular  
GC: L13UT3N4NT, WOULD YOU R3M1ND M3 4ND TH3 C4PT41N EX4CTLY WH4T 1S SO OUTR4G3OUS 4BOUT TH1S P4RT1CUL4R 1NSULT?  
GC: FOR TH3 R3CORD?  
CG: FOR THE  
CG: UH  
CG: IT'S EXCEEDINGLY PERSONAL, MA'AM  
GC: 1S TH1S 4 M4TT3R OF HONOR FOR WH1CH YOU D3M4ND S4T1SF4CT1ON?  
CA: personally i wwould be just fine settlin it that wway commander  
GC: 1 W4SN'T 4SK1NG YOU, C4PT41N  
GC: THOUGH P3RH4PS 1 SHOULD R3M1ND BOTH OF YOU TH4T DU3LL1NG 1S 3XPR3SSLY FORB1DD3N ON FL33T SC13NC3 V3SS3LS  
GC: 4ND 1S D34LT W1TH H4RSHLY  
GC: P4RT1CUL4RLY BY COURT MART14LS 4ND FUND1NG 4LLOC4TION R3V13W BO4RDS  
CG: ...  
CG: NO, I SUPPOSE NOT.  
GC: W3LL TH3N!  
GC: 1 B3L13V3 MY WORK H3R3 1S DON3!  
GC: YOU H4V3 YOUR ORD3RS THEN, G3NTL3M3N  
GC: TH4T 1S 4LL FOR TH3 T1M3 B31NG  
GC: OV3R 4ND OUT!  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased responding to memo.

CA: heheheheheheh  
CA: wwell wwell wwell  
CA: sounds like you havve your wwork cut out for you  
CA: _crawwcaught_  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned caligulasAquarium [CA] from responding to memo.

CG: LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT I'M GOING TO BE *FUCKING* SICK.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo.


	5. Subject 137758-5523H, "Jade Harley"

"Rose," Kanaya starts, then stops as something deep inside her shies away from the rest of the sentence. She knits her long, delicate fingers into knots in front of her, twisting first one way, then the other, trying to extrude the tension in her soul out through them. The tension mounts anyway, threatens to pull her apart -- one half into the dark emptiness of space, the other towards this impossible woman whom she's known for a lifetime lived inside a few weeks. And most of that, truth be told, in the last few hours.

"Yes, darlin' Kanaya?" calls Rose from the bar as she pours herself something new. She shortly returns with two identical drinks, as has become the rhythm in the last hour and a half since the follow-up observations on Dave were cut short. Kanaya has lost count during the procession of glasses, but estimates it's Rose's ninth or tenth drink of the evening. Throughout that time, she has watched Rose fluctuate: cold and sharp in one moment, warm and blunt in the next; sometimes playful and carefree as a larval meowbeast, other times as cruel as its mother toying with her prey before putting it down with a slash of her claws.

There are multitudes within Rose, and all of them want Kanaya. That has been the sole consistent pressure driving the evening towards some conclusion that has yet to materialize.

"My bes' tawny this time! Winter's night, but, liquid. 'S the good reserve stuff, so sip it, okay? So glad this was one a', like, I dunno, 'bout a half-dozen bottles of _anythin'_ that survived that 'splosion you made a' the cab'net. Used to be so much more! But at least I can share this one with you. Heh, _about_ a half-dozen, eh. Can't even count to six righ' now but fuck it, I been worse off and still come out on top in the end."

Kanaya clears her throat.

"Rose," she starts again, then looks down at the knot of her fingers. "There's one test subject left in our schedule."

Rose's eyebrows shoot up as she stops just short of handing Kanaya one of the glasses. "Is there? Damn. Well, we better get on it, then!"

"No, Rose," Kanaya says softly, still unable to meet Rose's gaze. "Let me rephrase: There's _only_ one test subject left in our schedule."

The sun of Rose's enthusiasm sets as Kanaya's meaning dawns on her. "Oh."

"And that's it. Then our program's over. After that? I don't know. Where we'll be assigned, where we'll be deployed. When I'll be back." She swallows. " _If_ I'll be back."

Rose stands there, a glass of port in each hand, as though she has suddenly lost her way in her own home. Her lavender eyes lose their focus on Kanaya, staring past her to some rapidly approaching moment of loss that's only now become visible through the fog of intoxicants.

"Rose, would you -- would you mind, very much," Kanaya asks haltingly, "if you -- put the drinks down, for a little while? I worry that this is -- that is, that it's my last chance to --" She stumbles, then picks herself up and just skips over the part she stumbled on. "And I want you to _remember_ first contact. It's an historic occasion!" She manages to smile at that last, but the corners of her mouth pull on the part of her that's hurting. She forces them up anyway.

It's washing over her in waves. She has to leave. She doesn't want to leave. Not yet.

She doesn't know why, at first. Rose hasn't even been nice to her! All of these inebriating substances, most of which didn't agree with her biology! The endless terrible flushflirting, but to be clear that obviously wasn't just the substances, it started from the moment Rose saw her. Using alien technology to demolish test subjects' houses and execute the most improbable get-rich-quick schemes. Making such a fool of her commanding officer that she's worried he's now nursing the darkest of pitch crushes. Not that a crush Karkat had on Rose would matter any more now than Kanaya's own feelings.

But she wants Rose to hold her cramped hand and look at her just that way, again. And again.

When did she turn that corner tonight? What made her start wanting this? Of course Rose is attractive, and mention of it almost sank the protocol, but if that was her only charm then surely she could resist it. Was it Rose's hospitality that never once counted the cost, her way with words that not even the alcohol could obscure, the _completeness_ of her victories with the testing? Her clear affection for the few of her friends on tonight's schedule, spooled out across dozens of stories which Kanaya really should have made field recordings of? The few tantalizing stories she told about herself, which were more vivid for what they skirted around (her lusus, her job, any broader social circle; things likely to be important for intelligent beings) than for what they engaged with? The strength of her hands, the fire in her eyes, the soft warmth in her -- her --

Was it, in fact, the foreknowledge that it was going to end when the sun came up?

Shouldn't that knowledge actually have _protected_ her?

Rose comes back to herself with a sudden intake of breath, released slowly as she settles back down into her body. She looks at Kanaya, looks at the glasses in her hands, looks back at Kanaya. She turns to the end table, deposits the glasses next to the lamp.

Then she turns back to Kanaya and, without another word, folds her arms around her.

It's a slightly awkward embrace. Kanaya is a head taller than Rose, and so Rose's temple, with her head inclined and nestled just so, rests somewhere south of Kanaya's collarbone. She wishes now that her green science uniform didn't have such an awkward high collar, even though she's loosened it a bit over the course of the night. Apart from this, though, everything feels right, one arm around her waist like this, the other up on her back, so she can put her own arms around Rose's shoulders and bow her head just like this, and let all that pent-up breath go.

She hopes Sollux is watching, because if he is, it's a reasonable bet that nobody else will be.

"I'm _not supposed to be doing even this_ with you," Kanaya whisper-sobs. "I could lose my job, be dishonorably discharged, exiled or marooned, it's too -- "

"Shhhh," Rose interrupts, pulling one hand back around to Kanaya's cheek. "Stop tellin' me all about why we s'posedly can't have any nice things. Less give ourselves permission to have just this one."

For a moment, they do.

Then, after a glance up and a quick nod to confirm that it's time, Rose's wicked grin returns as she slaps one of Kanaya's (barely) available sit-globes loudly and with relish. Kanaya squeaks and jumps inside the embrace. The slapped area tingles with a bashful heat for several beats thereafter.

"All right, Junebug," Rose says, "let's give 'em the test a' their sheltered, misshpent lives."

**== >**

CG: OKAY SLACKERS, LET'S QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND DO THIS TEST.  
CG: FLEET ADMIRAL SAYS WE HAVE TO DO ONE MORE, THEN WE'RE DONE.  
CG: AND IF WE FINALLY MAKE SENSIBLE CONTACT WITH AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING AND MANAGE TO LIMP OUR WAY PAST PHASE TWO, THERE MAY BE SHORE LEAVE IN IT FOR EVERYONE.  
CG: ENSIGN CAPTOR, FIRE UP THE CURSOR.  
CG: ...  
CG: ...  
CG: ...  
CG: ANYTIME, ENSIGN.  
CG: ...  
CG: ...  
CG: ENSIGN, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY. WHEN I SAID "ANYTIME", WHAT I REALLY MEANT WAS "RIGHT FUCKING NOW."  
GA: We Dont Have A Bounding Box Yet  
CG: WELL, WHY THE FUCK NOT?!  
CG: HASN'T *ROSE* GIVEN US THE COORDINATES OF OUR TEST SUBJECT?!  
GA: Rose Can You Forward The Coordinates Please  
TT: Ah, damnit Kanaya.  
TT: Hold on, Igot smoething inmy eye.  
GA: Sollux Are You Ready To Go Once We Establish The Bounding Box  
TA: hang on, hang on, ii've only got a few more left.  
GA: Um  
GA: A Few More What Sollux  
TA: ahahahahaaa, WHAT diid that guy even 2MOKE thii2 ii2 IIN2ANE HAHAHA  
CG: WHAT, ENSIGN CAPTOR. *WHAT* IS INSANE.  
TA: hahaha, the 2taiir2, man.  
TA: they warned hiim about the 2taiirs! but IIT KEPT HAPPENIING.  
CG: START TALKING SENSE, ENSIGN!  
TA: https://sbahj.totalbullshit.net/content/10nov2019/WARNEDABOUTSTAIRS/  
TA: thii2? _look2_ dumb.  
TA: but hahahaha, you know what?  
TA: iit'2 actually _totally fuckiing dumb._  
TA: iit ii2 _exactly_ what iit 2ay2 on the tiin.  
TA: and that make2 iit _the be2t fuckiing thiing ii have EVER read._  
TT: Heheheheh, truer wrods never wrere spoken, Egsign Captor.  
GA: Sollux If You Dont Mind  
TA: iit'2 up, iit'2 up! god.  
TA: ro2e 2ent me the coord2, liike, half an hour ago.  
TA: ii diid the boundiing box two, ju2t for her.  
CG: ENSIGN CAPTOR, THERE WILL BE *LITERAL* HELL TO PAY IF I FINISH TYPING THIS SENTENCE BEFORE THE CURS^C  
CG: UGH, YOU'RE *REALLY* GONNA LICK HER BOOT LIKE THAT?!  
TT: Iin hiis defnece,itis ablosutely delicouius.  
TA: ta2te2 liike cluckbea2t.  
CG: ...  
CG: GOD. ALL RIGHT THEN.  
CG: IF THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE.  
CG: WHATEVER. AT LEAST IT'S MOVING THIS SHITSHOW ALONG.  


Having punched briefly back above most of the atmosphere in a businesslike arc to its destination, the Alternian science skiff is now hovering discreetly above a nearly deserted island, dropped carelessly in the middle of the ocean by the god who made and then lost it. It is crescent-shaped, with a steep volcanic cinder cone occupying the north side of the thick edge, and lush rainforests to the south. A ring of smaller rocks and reefs fill out the rest of the circle, suggesting the worn rim of an ancient impact crater -- though it can't be too ancient, if this volcano lies on the rift between two tectonic plates. The geology of the place is baffling.

Even more baffling is the gigantic basalt temple standing knee-deep in salt water in the precise center of the crater impact site. The rock is worn and criss-crossed with exotic flowering vines, but Kanaya gasps as she makes out the primordial figure standing sentry on its roof: a seated frog, its tranquil countenance greeting each day of each year of each geologic age as it blossoms on the eastern horizon. The likeness is unmistakable, and all the more shocking in that this creature has the closest known analog on Alternia to any fauna she's seen here. It resembles nothing so much as a Genesis frog, a hardy amphibian that lays and somehow manages to hatch its eggs in the thorniest, most caustic of Alternian swamps. She wonders what the significance could be.

On the island next to the volcano is a smaller mountain, and on top of the mountain is a tower, and in the tower is a lab, and in that lab is a desk with an unruly pixie of a human passed out on it. Her hair spills out from her head across the desk, which is piled high with dog-eared books, rumpled papers, and abstruse geometric models. A smaller basalt sculpture of another Genesis frog squats on top of some of the papers. Her fingers, festooned with strings of unclear purpose, curl loosely in slumber around a ballpoint pen that has started to leak onto a notepad in front of her. The quarter moon illuminates her through the lab window, giving a cast of otherworldly innocence to the sleeper.

The rest of the lab is a chimeric mix of old and new. Moldering books and journals fill the niches between more modern accoutrements: an espresso machine, a workbench with a soldering iron and piles of unidentifiable circuitry, a set of vintage travel posters to faraway planets more inferred by this species than seen (although Kanaya wonders how many she herself has seen). Half of one of the walls is covered floor to ceiling in a giant, curving wall display, which shows a display of the current star system, its components circumambulating their yellow star in a solemn, stately procession.

The scene is set. The time has come. The bounding box has been established.

GA: Um So  
GA: Should We Wake Her Up  
GA: It Seems A Bit Rude But We Havent Got All Night  
CG: FUCK, ENSIGN MARYAM, WHY IS THIS EVEN UP FOR DEBATE?!  
TT: Prtetty sure Jade wnot' mind.  
TT: She doeesnt' get many vistitors, so sh;ell be excitted.  
GA: Well  
GA: All Right  
TA: what'2 the 2tiimulu2?  
GA: This One Is A Bit Specific  
GA: I Might Require Your Assistance For It  
TA: yeah ok. pretty 2ure ii can make iit happen, whatever iit ii2.  


An antique alarm clock breaks the silence with its brassy racket. In response, the young woman's string-covered hand drops the pen and gropes finger over finger across the desk towards the source of the ringing. After a prolonged random walk through which even the observers' teeth begin to set on edge, the hand finds its quarry and paws blindly at it. The clock is knocked over and off the edge of the desk onto the polished wood floor, where it continues its insolent jangling.

Jade swears under her breath and pushes herself back wearily from her desk to retrieve it.

This action ends up tipping her backwards in her chair, where she tumbles, head over heels, and narrowly avoids cracking the back of her head on the floor. Jade squeaks and her hands flail wildly for any nearby object, but she has by now cleared the floor and is tumbling towards the open window. After five seconds of silent semaphore to whatever powers might stop her progress across the room (which the observers observe dispassionately), her back contacts the air outside the tower with a _WHUMP_ , knocking the wind out of her. She struggles for a moment upside down before regaining it with a wet, startled choking noise.

CG: GOD, *THAT* WAS A CLOSE FUCKING CALL.  
GA: Good Thing We Set The Bounding Box To Cover Just This Room  
TA: yeah, thii2 ii2 exactly what iit'2 for.  
TA: not that we want two re2ort two that 2ort of thiing all the tiime, otherwi2e iit'2 two ea2y for the 2ubjects two fiigure out 2omethiing ii2 really weiird.  
GA: What Shes Experiencing Now Is Certainly No Stranger  
GA: The Question Is What She Will Take Away From The Experience  
CG: I STILL THINK IT'S TOO HEAVY-HANDED.  
CG: WHY NOT START WITH SOMETHING SMALL, AND EASE HER INTO IT?  
GA: There Are All Kinds Of Stimuli And All Kinds Of Human Responses  
GA: There Is Also An Obvious History Dependence Across A Given Test Where Initial Stimuli Condition Responses Later In The Test  
GA: I See Nothing Sacred About Starting Small  
GA: But As For This Particular Stimulus And This Particular Subject  
GA: I Am Trusting Roses Judgment  
CG: AFTER THOSE LAST TWO SUBJECTS, _YOU'RE STILL LETTING HER DESIGN THE TESTS?!_  
TA: hey kk, quiit giiviing ro2e 2o much 2hiit.  
TA: 2he obviiou2ly know2 what the fuck 2he'2 talkiing about.  
TA: at lea2t one of tho2e guy2 got pa2t pha2e two, maybe even both of them.  
GA: Sir Remember That These Subjects Are All Roses Friends  
GA: She Has Intimate Knowledge Of Their Psychology  
GA: If Anyone Can Guide Us Towards A Successful Test Its Her  
CG: IS THAT *SCIENCE*, THOUGH, OR *ENGINEERING*?!  
CG: AREN'T WE JUST BIASING THE OUTCOME LIKE A BUNCH OF CHUMPS IF WE USE PROTOCOLS CUSTOMIZED WITH PRIOR KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECTS?!  
GA: Sir With As Much Respect As I Can Muster  
GA: I Thought You Wanted To Make It Past Phase Two  
GA: If That Is On Our Agenda Then It Seems Sensible To Use Any Knowledge At Our Disposal  
TT: Karkat. Liuetnant Karkat, sir. Can you justt chill.  
TT: As hardass it maybe to bleieve, I'm not atculaly out to get you.  
TT: This is an ecxciting once-in-a-lfifetmie opprotrunity to make cotnact with others like us whov'e come to vistit.  
TT: To know we are;nt alone, iin the unvivierse.  
TT: I just wantto be part of that,tis all.  
TT: And,I know my freinds would want the same.  
TT: Does it rlealy matter to you, whiich humnans you test?  
TT: Out of the nrearly eihgt bzillion you cuould choose from?  
CG: WELL, I, UH  
CG: WHEN YOU PUT IT *THAT* WAY, I GUESS NOT.  
TT: Andif, as, you say, yuor objtective is to covnince your test sujbects that aililiens are real and want to talk to us, then I knnow how to do this, howto maek it hapen, with my freidns.  
TT: You can getall the media atnention, take crdedit for the protcolol design, I don'trealy care.  
TT: All I really want,iss for you to sucseed.  
TT: Let's just tesst Jade and see howw we go.  
TT: Okay?  
CG: ...  
CG: *AUGH!*  
CG: FINE! OKAY. I ACCEPT.  
CG: NOT THAT I REALLY TRUST YOU, LIKE, AT ALL.  
CG: BUT WE'RE ON OUR LAST TEST, HOW MUCH DAMAGE COULD YOU DO.  
TT: Good maan! :)  


The observations continue.

Jade is suddenly very awake, and very disoriented. She's suspended upside down near the open window, which she somehow managed not to fall out of after launching herself across the lab. Though the wall absorbed most of her momentum and stopped her spinning, a small amount of recoil has left her drifting weightlessly back towards the middle of the room. She takes her bearings and makes some swimming motions with her hands, but that doesn't do much.

She removes her thick, round glasses and bends the frames carefully back into shape. Replacing them on her face restores the windows onto her eyes, through which the observers can see the gears of her intellect slowly accelerate from a panicked halt to a steady, frictionless whirr. A few catlike undulating motions restore her to her original orientation, and she surveys her own lab with wonderment from fifteen feet above the floor.

A few puffs of breath propel her from this vantage point to a cabinet of curios on the opposite side of the lab from where she started. She flips a nearby light switch, causing a bank of fluorescent lights to gutter into life overhead. She grasps the cabinet handle, cautiously pulls the door open, removes a sparkling geode from the first shelf. She holds the geode in the air and lets go. It remains suspended.

She raises a skeptical eyebrow and rummages for a few other items: a wooden ball and a seagull's feather. Both also stay suspended in mid-air at a similar height after being released. She grabs some kind of crude iron bar and releases it horizontally, with the same result. She selects a shiny steel disc and spins it on its axis, making a further contact measurement between its center and rim. Her eyes widen as she notes the result.

She takes the disc and a bag of ball bearings, tossing them one by one to make her way slowly (though impatiently) to the opposite side of the lab. A large orange label warning unwary lab denizens of radioactivity danger in this area has been crossed out, and a cheerful smiley face added. After reorienting herself, she peers at a multi-channel analyzer set up on the bench, searching out the depths of its spectra. She flips the pages of a nearby log book backwards through several weeks of entries, compares the numbers with the current readings, then scratches her head and considers her next action.

Finally, after several minutes of tuneless humming, she clambers hand over hand across the room to return to the open window. She tries to put her hand out the window, but her knuckles knock against some unseen wall and send her rolling into space again, a stream of ball bearings cascading along in her wake. She swears much more loudly and audibly this time.

TT: Can we trurn that thign off?  
TA: what, the boundiing box?  
TA: iit'2 not a great iidea two do that.  
TA: e2peciially not when we've locally nulliifiied graviity liike thii2.  
TA: we want to keep your friiend 2afe.  
TT: Aaah, she knwows the drill now. She's a smrat cookie!  
TA: 2eriiou2ly, why do you want two do that?  
TT: She clearly wantsto try sometihng outside the wnidow, of course.  
TT: To see ifits' jsut her room, or what.  
TA: well, iif ii ju2t extend the boundiing box two extend out2iide the wiindow, the graviity variiatiion2 wiill ju2t follow iit.  
TA: iif you want 2omethiing more textured, that'2 gonna take a whiile.  
CG: NO, THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA AND AS THE SUPERVISOR, I HAVE TO NIX IT.  
CG: DON'T FUCK WITH THE BOUNDING BOX, ROSE.  
CG: EVEN IF ENSIGN CAPTOR CAN DO IT, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'LL ADD.  
GA: That May Not Be Necessary Anyway  
GA: It Seems Shes Found A Way Around This Difficulty  


Jade has by now returned to the window, staring intently at the moonlit waves. She pulls out her smartphone and films the ocean for about thirty seconds, then stops and thumbs through the frames. Her lips move wordlessly as she shuffles numbers inside her head, straining with anticipation at the result.

When the final digit is carried over and the answer is clearly what she expects, Jade emits a sound -- a whoop, a howl, a crow, too large and wild for such a slight girl -- with a pump of her fist, and cranes her neck towards the ceiling. "ALL RIGHT, GUYS," she yells, "CAN YOU TURN THE GRAVITY BACK ON, PLEASE? SLOWLY, NOT ALL AT ONCE!"

CG: HOLY SHIT, SHE GOT IT ON THE FIRST TRY?!  
CG: SHE DIDN'T FLAIL AROUND EITHER, LIKE THAT OTHER BLUE NERD!  
CG: SHE METHODICALLY ELIMINATED POSSIBILITIES ONE BY ONE UNTIL WE WERE ALL THAT WAS LEFT.  
CG: SHE'S CLEARLY READY TO GO BEYOND PHASE TWO.  
TT: Liek Itold you. Smrat cookie.  
TT: But srsly, give her some gravitay back.  
TA: rampiing graviity back two one gee, over the next thiirty 2econd2.  
TT: Also, she's been waiyting for this for, liek, years.  
TT: I can thingk of few thingns she's watned more.  
CG: SHE'S  
CG: GOD, SHE'S PERFECT, ROSE.  
CG: I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK I OWE YOU ONE.  
CG: MAYBE I WAS EVEN WRONG ABOUT YOU.  
TT: Hey, let"s not jmump to any hasty coclnusions here.  


As the gravity returns, Jade eases herself down towards the floor and plants her feet firmly. The ball bearings precipitate gradually out of the air, coming to rest in a thin drizzle across the lab. Jade huffs in frustration and rushes to the utility closet for a broom, but even this doesn't mar her mood much, and she whistles while she sweeps the bearings into a bin in the corner.

"All RIGHT!" She claps her hands together and rubs them briskly, her eyes darting around the lap like a child celebrating Christmas in a military-surplus toy store. "Let's get cracking! I've got so many questions for you!"

The cursor follows her as she crosses a walkway to the second tower of her lab, an observatory with a modest-sized reflector telescope. This is, of course, a relative statement: even a "modest-sized" research telescope dwarfs her, and she has to get a stepstool to clamber up into the cage at prime focus before pulling some levers within and setting the drive gears grinding. She clearly knows what target she has in mind, because it doesn't take the telescope more than about a minute to get there and lock on to pointing, the right ascension drive emitting an almost inaudible constant buzz.

"Okay, question number one!" she calls out. "Besides gravity, does the fine structure constant also vary with time? If yes, make all the quasars in the southern hemisphere blink three times!"

GA: What The Hell Is She Talking About  
TA: that extend2 way beyond the boundiing box.  
TA: 2he'2 got two know that'2 beyond our capabiiliitiie2.  
TT: Nah.  
TT: How exatcgly would she kwnow what you were cabaple of?  
TT: You mihgt as well be her gods, for all she can tell!  
CG: NNNGH, DAMN. THIS IS A SETBACK.  
CG: EVEN IF WE COULD RESPOND, WHAT WOULD THE ANSWER BE?  
TT: Le shrug. Not my depratment!  


"Hello? I'm watching! Did I miss it? Try again!"

GA: Im Trying To Remember What Ive Read About Variation Of Universal Constants Throughout Cosmic Time  
GA: There Is A Reason They Call Them Constant  
TA: ii thiink our upper liimiit2 on that kiind of 2hiit are pretty tiight.  
TA: but you can never really rule iit out completely, you know?  
GA: At Any Case It Was A Good Question  
GA: If She Sees We Can Make Pinpoint Manipulations Of Gravity  
GA: Why Couldnt We Control The Other Forces Too  
CG: BEATS ME, I DON'T BUILD THIS STUFF. SOLLUX?  
TA: 2orry kk, ii ju2t do computer2.  
TA: you want theoretiical phy2iic2, go two the fleet admiiral'2 team.  
CG: FUCK, WE CAN'T DO THAT, WE'RE *COMPETING* WITH THEM!  
TA: waiit, what?  
CG: UGH, GOD, IT'S A LONG STORY AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT.  
CG: IT'S OFFICER BULLSHIT, YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.  
TA: uh, okaaay, 2ure.  


"Okay well I guess not! That's not exactly solid information, you know, but it's on me. I don't think I want to ask you to vary the fine structure constant around here, either. That would probably make a bunch of things explode or disintegrate. Including me! Unless you've got _really fine pinpoint_ control of it?"

Jade waits as patiently as she can manage, twirling an errant lock of hair around one finger with an impish grin. Nothing seems to happen.

"Oh well, I guess that was a long shot. But worth asking! With the right formulation of priors, I think I can still use that to constrain my models in a hierarchical Bayesian context for inference."

She dismounts the prime focus cage and starts making her way back to the main lab, stopping this time in a small atrium between the two main towers. A green spirograph pattern is inlaid into the floor here, and the walls are entirely made of glass, giving the occupant a commanding view of the frog temple and the rest of the floating crescent. She indicates it with a sweeping gesture.

"Question number two! Can you vary the local value of pi as well?"

GA: Uhhh  
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: Can We Do That Sollux  
TA: heheh, pretty 2ure we can't, kn.  
CG: COME ON, WHAT THE NONEUCLIDEAN FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?!  
CG: THE VALUE OF PI IS A UNIVERSAL CONSTANT, END OF STORY.  
CG: VARYING IT ISN'T EVEN LOGICALLY POSSIBLE, IT'S *MATH* FOR FUCK'S SAKE!  
TT: Maybe she's jsut fcuking with you.  
TT: Prbobably jsut a trick quetsion.  
TT: Unless...? ;)  
CG: OH, GIVE ME A BREAK, ROSE.  
CG: JADE'S OBVIOUSLY REALLY SMART, BUT MAYBE SHE'S A BIT NUTTY TOO.  
TT: Who can say?  
TT: Perhraps she knows Thigns Man Was Not Meant To Know. ;)  
CG: LOOK, CUT IT OUT WITH THE WINKING, OKAY  
CG: LET'S JUST PASS ON THIS ONE. SEE WHAT SHE ASKS NEXT.  


Jade waits again, tapping her foot. When nothing materializes, she sighs and makes her way back to the main lab room. She pulls an elastic black glove off the wall and pulls it onto her hand. With a few quick gestures, the wall of displays shivers, and the digital orrery disappears, to be replaced by a mesmerizing, shifting array of fractals. With a flick of her wrist, the fractals shift, turn, recombine, perhaps the way an eleven-dimensional spinning globe would do.

"Here's question number three! How many false vacua are there in the string theory landscape with a cosmological constant no larger than what we observe? Order of magnitude? Go ahead and write it on the board!" She jerks her ungloved thumb back over her shoulder, towards a chalkboard tiled densely with equations. "You can use exponents on exponents, I know it's a big number, but any information will help!"

CG: SUFFERER'S *FUCKING* STRIPES, THAT'S NOT FAIR.  
CG: EVEN WE DON'T KNOW THAT SHIT.  
TT: Whatcan I say? The girl doen'st back away from a chlalenge.  
CG: NO, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.  
CG: I'M NOT AN EXPERT, BUT EVEN I KNOW OUR BEST MINDS HAVEN'T FULLY SOLVED THE STRING THEORY LANDSCAPE PROBLEM.  
CG: IT'S WORSE THAN A TRICK QUESTION, IT'S EMBARRASSING.  
CG: TO HAVE FASTER-THAN-LIGHT TRAVEL AND THE RUN OF THE GALAXY, AND STILL BE HELD HOSTAGES BY FUCKING *STRINGS*.  
TT: Welp!  


When nothing happens, Jade crosses her arms in front of her and the shimmering fractals wink out. "Come on, friends! You've got to know something about this, or else how the heck are you manipulating gravity in my lab, and _only_ in my lab? I'd think messing with the other three forces would be way easier than messing with gravity unless you had solved string theory!"

CG: CAN WE DO SOMETHING? ANYTHING?  
CG: THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT, WE CAN'T LET HER SLIP THROUGH OUR FINGERS!  
TA: hold on, ii'll 2ee what ii can remember.  
TA: god, iit'2 been fuckiing _2weep2_ 2iince ii diid any phy2iic2.  


A lone eraser levitates above the chalk tray, then hovers, poised to claim some territory on the whiteboard. The excitement returns to Jade's face as she nods vigorously. "Go ahead! Use as much of it as you can! I've taken notes on the important parts of what's up there."

The eraser clears off a tract of board, and a single piece of chalk rises to follow it. The chalk scribbles an equation on the board. Jade knits her brows and examines it for about ten seconds before throwing her hands up in disgust.

" _Come ON, you guys!_ " she shouts, snatching the chalk from mid-air. "This isn't what I asked for! You must just be stalling! But not only that, _you forgot a minus sign, here!_ " She replaces the offending unary operator with a single petulant stroke, rolling her eyes. "The metric's signature can't be positive definite, otherwise we get tachyons all over the place and then the whole Cauchy surface unravels right in front of us." She throws down the chalk and strikes the heel of her hand against her forehead.

"I mean, what is this, galactic amateur hour?" she continues. "There are places to learn this stuff! Go back and review some of the basics, Polchinski is a good reference, then read my other papers and maybe we can try this again later. Google is your friend!"

The chalk hovers questioningly, not prepared to give up the chase yet. With a snort, Jade turns briskly on her heel and begins stalking towards the exit.

CG: NONONONONONONO  
CG: _NO NO NO NO NONONONONO_  
CG: CAPTOR, YOU FUCKING *IMBECILE*  
TA: what? thii2 2hiit iis ju2t not iin my job de2criiptiion, kk.  
TA: you know ii've alway2 been a dii2crete math kiinda dude.  
CG: YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION IS CONTACTING ALIENS, AND YOU SUCK AT IT!  
TA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
CG: ROSE, SHE'S YOUR FRIEND! WHAT DO WE DO, WHAT DO WE DO?!  
TT: Easy! Just,get theright asnwer.  
TT: Or tell her you duont' know! Thats' awlays an accetpable optoin. ;)  
CG: WE CAN'T DO THAT! SHE'S TESTING _US_ NOW, WE'RE GOING TO FAIL!  
CG: _OH GOD DON'T LET HER GET AWAY, FUCK FUCK FUCK_  


The chalk starts chasing after her like a tiny, white, dusty baby barkbeast.

"Nope! Don't have time for this!" Jade calls back over her shoulder as she departs the lab. "I'm going to go try to take a nap now, but honestly, I'm kind of pissed off right now so don't follow me! Any other time you feel like helping a girl with some theories let me know, and maybe you can be a co-author! But otherwise, I've gotta rest my brain so I can figure this all out for myself! Byyyyyeeeee!!!"

CG: FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!  


In the morning, Jade will wake up from uneasy dreams and understand that she'll figure out the problem eventually, but the answer won't come from aliens. In fact, much to her surprise, the aliens will learn the answers from her! Well, scientific progress is stochastic at best.

Still, she'll wonder as she looks out the window, wasn't the knowledge that there's intelligent life out there in itself interesting? Not very intelligent life, to be sure, but a species has to start somewhere! She'll ask herself how likely it actually is that there actually is a species who would have solved the string landscape by now. She'll reach to the nightstand and tie another green string on her left index finger, to remind her to modify Drake's equation for some rough estimate.

She still isn't that good with probabilities. Oh, the math is easy, she's a whiz at differential geometry, but the hard part of probability is figuring out what prior assumptions to work with. With this train of thought pulling into the station of her conscious mind, she'll wonder whether her friend Rose will have any insights. Rose majored in psych, but seems to have an uncanny knack for guessing what priors to use on really unlikely events.

She'll get out her phone to make some inquiries, once the sun clears the horizon.


	6. An Immodest Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Manic Pixie Rose is fast becoming Kanaya's favorite Rose.
> 
> Quoted lyrics are "Interlude" by London Grammar. You can listen [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gB4iD6H7XI) I get such a Rosemary vibe from this song.

It takes ten straight minutes for Rose to stop laughing at the mere mention of the look Karkat might have had on his face at the end of that memo. She models many possibilities for Kanaya, none of which she can hold for longer than three seconds at a time before dissolving back into a primordial soup of deranged cackling. Everything about the last test is funny to her -- Sollux's absorption in her brother's primitive online humor scribbles, Jade's breezing through the difficult test (though admittedly one played to her strengths), Karkat's inability to ask for help or admit his limitations at any point in the process, the size of font in which the word **FUCK** is at last displayed. Rose's unbridled glee in unalloyed, total victory feels uncharitable, particularly when Kanaya wonders how her commanding officer will explain the precise nature of his failure to Fleet Admiral Peixes.

Kanaya has met no member of her species that shines this bright, dances this lightly, laughs this hard, gives fewer fucks about what others think. She knows that she ought to feel bad about this, as it represents yet another level of defeat to compound the embarrassment Rose has heaped upon them all. She knows she ought to be nursing some kind of injured pride in her species. She knows that at least some of her dismay, and much of Rose's insouciance, comes from being under the influence, but that doesn't matter much. She knows she should go back to her ship, fulfill her duties, find a sensible matesprit who will end up on the same planet as her and keep the thread of her life from getting so tangled.

She doesn't know how she's going to do that, as she must, once the call comes on her palmhusk.

Rose's barking laughter, white foam rapids over jagged rocks, gradually settles into a more melodious stream, then to an intermittent calm trickle. She seems to have reabsorbed herself into the moment as she runs to the corner of the room and dims the torchiere. A string of smaller white lights running around the room's perimeter now assert themselves, enfolding the room's occupants in a gentler, more intimate glow. She bounces airily to the adjacent corner and instructs the stereo to change the music to something slower, plaintive, ethereal.

She returns and places Kanaya's hands on her own waist, before reaching up to drape her arms around Kanaya's neck. As the music plays Rose shifts her weight from side to side, ever so slightly. Kanaya feels utterly lost in this new human behavior, and opens her mouth to ask what she should be doing, but Rose is already nestling into her as if nothing was wrong and they would be together forever.

So she listens hard with her entire body and matches Rose's weight shifts with her own, keeping the beat. Shortly, a woman with a voice like the crescent moon sings to the contents of Kanaya's aching core.

_gray stands beneath the moon  
tonight i'll be dreaming of you  
people and rhythm instead  
and there you'll be  
there you'll be inside my head_

"You, Kanaya," Rose asserts, "are _magnificent._ I haven't had _such_ a good evening for a longer time than I can remember." Her speech is whole, unblemished and unequivocal. Her eyes are clear, and reach out to hold Kanaya's own eyes in trust for her.

"Am I doing this right, Rose? I want to get this --"

"Ssssshhh." Rose pulls one hand back and holds an interdicting finger to Kanaya's lips.

_hmmm, i will dream of you  
hmmm, you'll dream of me, too  
hmmm, your hands, they're on my face  
hmmm, there would be no better place_

"Rose," Kanaya starts brokenly, "any minute they'll call and -- "

"Marry me," Rose interrupts.

"What?"

"An Earth tradition. Pair bonding! You must have some version of it!"

"You want to _date me?!_ " Kanaya feels her entire face fall open.

"Nothing so trifling," Rose corrects. "I want to date you _forever._ "

_some miracle man must have shot me while i wake  
i never ran fast enough from my mistakes  
would you really want me in the light of day  
that very same man shot flaws right through my face_

"Rose!" Kanaya exclaims. "Your judgment is impaired!"

" _Au contraire,_ " Rose counters. "I'm sure I've never had such amazing judgment in my life."

"Rose, you've known me for _twelve hours._ I'm about to leave on an _interstellar spaceship_ , bound for I don't even know where, possibly forever!"

"Well, take me with you, then," Rose replies, not skipping a single beat.

"I can't! I, we're doing _science_ on your species! What would you do there?!"

" _You,_ of course," Rose retorts, a lascivious twinkle returning to her eyes -- is that one last whiff of intoxicant?

This finally leaves Kanaya with no option but laughter, and a wild guffaw escapes her lips, spilling some of the tears she'd been holding back. "Rose! You are _absolutely terrible!_ "

"It'll be for science! Further research is clearly needed. I think I've adequately demonstrated tonight just how good I am at research."

Kanaya stifles another giggle and wonders whether Rose would say that if she knew about Captain Ampora's proclivities. She shakes her head and refocuses on Rose's face to wipe her head clean from that thought.

_hmmm, I will dream of you  
hmmm, you'll dream of me, too  
hmmm, your arms curled round my waist  
hmmm, there would be no better place_

"They can do it in Las Vegas, you know," Rose remarks casually. "Marry us. On the spot. An Elvis impersonator could do it. Sollux could be our sole witness. Dave would approve."

"Rose," Kanaya asks with a sigh, refusing to be drawn into trivialities such as where Las Vegas is, who Elvis is, or why someone would want to impersonate them, "wouldn't you miss Dave? And John and Jade too?"

"Well, obviously. But from where I stand, I have a hard time imagining it's really forever. If things work out between our species, Earth should be a regular tourist destination. And we'd be a shining example of how well it could work out."

"But, Rose... what if they won't let you come?

"Then I'll stow away," Rose says brightly -- then adds, more darkly, "and woe be to them who try to keep me from you." 

_could you have your arms around my...  
could you have your arms around my..._

"I'm going to get into _so much trouble,_ " Kanaya snorts, wiping more green tears from her eyes.

"Oh, _Kanaya._ " Rose draws her name out like a bow across well-tuned strings. "Don't you see you already have?"

A harsh buzz issues from the palmhusk in Kanaya's pocket.


	7. Of Stories, Believable Or Not

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] on an encrypted channel

GC: 3NS1GN K4N4Y4 M4RY4M! PL34S3 4CKNOWL3DG3!  
GA: Ensign Kanaya Maryam Reporting  
GA: Uh  
GA: Commander Pyrope Maam  
GA: How May I Be Of Service  
GC: 1'M SO GL4D YOU 4SK3D!  
GC: 1 W4S S1MPLY WOND3R1NG 1F 1 COULD 1NT3R3ST YOU 1N 4 PROMOT1ON!  
GA: I  
GA: Maam  
GA: To What Rank  
GC: L13UT3N4NT, N4TUR4LLY  
GC: 4ND FULL R3SPONS1B1L1TY FOR 4 N3W TR14L 3XOSOC1OLOGY PROGR4M!  
GC: W1TH FURTH3R PROMOT1ON TO COMM4ND3R P3ND1NG 1TS SUCC3SS 4ND 3XPANS1ON  
GA: Maam I Confess This Is Not What I Expected  
GA: In Fact It Is With A Heavy Heart  
GA: That I Must Decline  
GA: And Resign My Commission Effective Immediately  
GC: >:O  
GC: 1 MUST S4Y, 3NS1GN, 1 F1ND TH1S R3SPONS3 OF YOURS SOMEWH4T SURPR1S1NG  
GC: BUT 1 W1LL R3LUCT4NTLY 4CC3PT YOUR R3S1GN4T1ON  
GC: C4N YOU 3L4BOR4T3 UPON YOUR R4T1ON4L3 FOR M3?  
GC: R3T3NT1ON OF PROM1S1NG JUN1OR OFF1C3RS 1S 4 M4TT3R OF GR34T 1MPORT4NC3 TO TH3 FL33T!  
GA: I Dont Know Exactly How To Put This  
GA: Given The Trust The Fleet Admiral Has Put In Me  
GC: 4 TRUST WH1CH YOU H4V3 R3P34T3DLY JUST1F13D, L3T M3 4DD  
GA: You Must Pardon Me If I Hold A Somewhat Different View  
GA: For You See  
GA: Um  
GA: In Light Of Experiences Shared During Execution Of Our Testing Protocol  
GA: I Seem To Have Developed Flushed Mating Fondness For The Rose Human  
GA: She Has Invited Me Into Some Kind Of Extended Pair Bonding Relationship  
GA: And As Confused As I Am By This And How Silly It Must Seem  
GA: I Cannot Find It Within Me To Say No To Her  
GA: Nor Can I In Good Conscience Continue In My Previous Capacity Given The Ethical Complications This Would Cause  
GA: Much Less Take On Additional Responsibilities  
GA: Given That These Feelings Arose While Working With Rose  
GA: Possibly Even While She Was My Test Subject  
GA: It Seems A Monumental Failure Of Professionalism  
GA: Such Is The Dilemma In Which I Find Myself  
GA: I Felt Obliged To Quit My Post When The Conflict Of Interest Became Impossible To Manage  
GA: I Accept The Consequences  
GA: And I Am Sorry I Could Not Serve In A More Distinguished Manner  
GC: HMMM!  
GC: HMMMMMMMMM!!!  
GC: 1 UND3RST4ND P3RF3CTLY  
GC: 1T WOULD B3 1MPOSS1BL3 FOR YOU TO DO YOUR JOB W1THOUT TH3 ROS3 HUM4N  
GA: Yes Maam  
GA: Thats The Essence Of It  
GC: SO W3'LL JUST H4V3 TO H1R3 H3R TOO!  
GA: Yes Maam Of Course  
GA: Wait  
GA: What  
GC: TH1S 1SN'T 4 C4R33R-STOPP1NG 1SSU3, 3NS1GN  
GC: 4LTHOUGH YOUR C4NDOR 4ND 1NT3GR1TY 1S 4PPR3C14T3D  
GC: TH3S3 K1NDS OF R3L4T1ONSH1PS C4N B3 M4N4G3D, 1F TH3Y 4R3 D3CL4R3D 4ND 4 M4N4G3M3NT PL4N C4N B3 PUT 1NTO PL4C3!  
GC: N31TH3R OF YOU C4N S3RV3 1N TH3 S4M3 COMM4ND CH41N, OF COURS3  
GC: BUT YOU C4N MOST L1K3LY S3RV3 ON TH3 S4M3 SH1P  
GC: ROS3'S NON-4LT3RN14N ST4TUS M4Y PR3S3NT SOM3 LOG1ST1C4L CH4LL3NG3S  
GC: W3'LL H4V3 TO 4RR4NG3 SOM3 K1ND OF D1PLOM4T1C POST1NG FOR H3R  
GC: P3RH4PS 4 CULTUR4L 4TT4CH3 POS1T1ON  
GC: FOR WH1CH H3R P1VOT4L ROL3 1N YOUR T3ST1NG PROTOCOL H4S M4RV3LOUSLY PR3P4R3D H3R  
GC: 1T WOULD 1NVOLV3 4 LOT OF D3L1C1OUS P4P3RWORK  
GA: Delicious Maam  
GA: Im Not Sure I Understand What You Mean By That  
GC: H3H3H3H, TH4T'S NOT 1MPORT4NT! >:P  
GC: WH4T M4TT3RS 1S WH3TH3R TH3S3 T3RMS 4R3 SUFF1C13NT 1NDUC3M3NTS FOR YOU TO 4CC3PT OUR OFF3R  
GC: OR WH3TH3R YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO DR1V3 4 Y3T H4RD3R B4RG41N!  
GA: Um  
GA: Well Maam  
GA: This Is Quite A Lot  
GA: Let Me Think For A Moment  
GC: OF COURS3!  
GC: BUT NOT TOO LONG, 1'M G3TT1NG HUNGRY  
GA: Are You Sure Ensign Captor Wouldnt Be Better Suited For This Opportunity  
GA: His Innovations Were Responsible For Much Of Our Success  
GC: OH, W3 SOUND3D H1M OUT 4S W3LL  
GC: H3 W4SN'T 1NT3R3ST3D!  
GC: BUT S41D H3 WOULD B3 CONT3NT TO S3RV3 UND3R YOU, 1F YOU WOULD H4V3 H1M  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 4 D1ST1NCT 1MPROV3M3NT 1N C1RCUMST4NC3S FOR H1M  
GC: 4ND 1S L1K3LY TO SUBST4NT14LLY 1MPROV3 H1S P3RFORM4NC3  
GA: It Would Please Me As Well  
GA: But Would It Be Possible To Transfer Us  
GA: Off Of Captain Amporas Ship  
GA: I Dont Want To Go Into It Too Deeply But I Suspect That Serving Under Him With Rose Would Be Less Than Ideal  
GC: DON3!  
GC: W3'LL PUT YOU ON TH3 _SH1PSH4P3,_ UND3R C4PT41N L31JON  
GC: 1'M SUR3 SH3 W1LL G1V3 YOU BOTH 4 W4RM W3LCOM3 >:] > :] >:]  
GA: Um Okay  
GA: Many Thanks Commander  
GA: This Next Request May Be Difficult Maam  
GA: But Would It Be Possible To Station Us Here  
GA: Or At Least To Receive Frequent Assignments On This Planet  
GA: Since Rose Has Dear Friends Whom She Will Miss Terribly Otherwise  
GA: And Whose Acquaintances I Am Rather Anxious To Make Myself  
GC: 1T M4Y SURPR1S3 YOU, BUT TH1S 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T W3 H4D 1NT3ND3D  
GC: S1NC3 TH1S PL4N3T 1S TH3 ON3 W3 WOULD L1K3 YOU TO CONT1NU3 STUDY1NG  
GC: TH3R3 W1LL B3 OCC4S1ON4L COMMUT3S TO 4LT3RN1A TO BR13F C3NTR4L COMM4ND 1N D3T41L ON YOUR F1ND1NGS  
GC: BUT TH3 M4JOR1TY OF YOUR WORK W1LL B3 H3R3!  
GC: YOU M4Y 3V3N 3ND UP 4 L1TTL3 S1CK OF 34RTH WH3N 4LL 1S S41D 4ND DON3  
GA: Its Not Impossible I Guess  
GA: What Will Become Of Lieutenant Vantas  
GA: He May Have Been A Difficult Supervisor  
GA: But I Believe He Has Served With Honor And To The Best Of His Ability  
GC: DON'T TROUBL3 YOURS3LF OV3RLY MUCH W1TH H1M, 3NS1GN  
GC: H3 W1LL R3T41N H1S COMM1SS1ON UND3R C4PT41N 4MPOR4  
GC: THOUGH I 3XP3CT H3 W1LL B3 3NCOURAG3D TO STUDY YOUR M3THODS  
GC: 4ND W1LL H4V3 TO COMPL3T3 S3V3R4L COURS3S OF R3M3D14L L34D3RSH1P TR41N1NG B3FOR3 H3 1S PUT 1N CH4RG3 OF 4NYTH1NG 3LSE  
GC: TH3R3 W1LL B3 T34M BU1LD1NG 3X3RC1S3S 1N H1S N34R FUTUR3  
GC: M4YB3 3V3N SOM3 "TRUST F4LLS"  
GC: TH4T SORT OF TH1NG >;]  
GA: That Seems Harsh But Fair  
GA: Very Well Then  
GA: I Accept  
GC: 3XC3LL3NT!  
GC: W3'LL ST4RT YOUR ONBO4RD1NG PROC3SS 1N ON3 W33K  
GC: N4TUR4LLY, TH3R3 W1LL B3 4DD1T1ON4L T4STY FORMS TO COMPL3T3  
GC: S1NC3 W3 W1LL H4V3 TO R3-3NL1ST YOU 4FT3R YOUR UNT1M3LY 4ND 1LL-4DV1S3D R3S1GN4T1ON JUST NOW!  
GC: YOU 4R3 H3R3BY 4UTHOR1Z3D TO T4K3 TH1S T1M3 4S SHOR3 L34V3  
GC: 4ND 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S1GHTS 4ND SOUNDS OF TH1S BR1LL14NT SCRUMPT1OUS GUMB4LL C4LL3D 34RTH  
GA: Thank You Maam  
GA: Ill Put It To Good Use  
GC: OF TH1S W3 H4V3 L1TTL3 DOUBT!  
GC: ON3 F1N4L M4TT3R  
GC: TH3 FL33T 4DM1R4L 4ND YOUR N3W C4PT41N BOTH S3ND TH31R P3RSON4L CONGR4TUL4T1ONS ON YOUR UPCOM1NG P41R BOND1NG  
GC: 4ND HOP3 4NY FORM4L C3R3MON13S M4RK1NG TH3 OCC4S1ON W1LL B3 AD3QU4T3LY DOCUM3NT3D FOR PUR3LY SC13NT1F1C PURPOS3S  
GA: Um Yes  
GA: That Was Quick  
GA: Well Maam Im Sure That Can Be Arranged  
GC: 1 HOP3 SO!  
GC: 1'LL L34V3 YOU TO 1T, YOU H4V3 MUCH TO DO  
GC: S33 YOU 1N 4 F3W 34RTH W33KS  
GC: D1SM1SS3D!  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

**== >**

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: holy fucking shit rose  
TG: you gotta see this  
TG: its the meme of the goddamn century and it just fell on my windowsill  
TG: http://sbahj.totalbullshit.net/content/23jan2020/FUCKIMISSEDTHEALIENS/  
TT: Haha, thakns Daeve.  
TT: You knoow I'm an ednuring fan of yuour ecxellent cotnent.  
TT: I'll maeke sure to clcick on it, in due courese.  
TG: oh god are you sitting at home getting shitfaced again  
TT: Maaayyybe? ;)  
TG: come on sis  
TG: the internet is going bananas over this  
TG: its like a fucking ddos on totalbs except with money instead of cpu  
TG: i need you here by my side its my finest hour  
TT: Soerry, Daave, my fine motoor cotnrol is totlally shot.  
TT: I cannt' seem, to get my figner to atcually hit play.  
TT: Infact, allll my fingers are compeltely tied up rihgt now.  
TG: well hit play with your thumb then  
TG: come on rose what could you possibly be doing that  
TG: wait  
TG: your fingers are tied up huh  
TG: lets stop with the coy flutters and get more specific  
TG: are you sitting at home getting shitfaced by yourself as usual   
TG: or are you sitting at home getting shitfaced _with a hot chick_  
TG: are you finally gonna get some  
TG: finally  
TT: ...  
TT: Maaayyybe?  
TT: Depnends on, whehther she has any, and wants to shaere.  
TT: ;) ;) ;)  
TG: oh my god say no more  
TG: ok ill try to contain my excitement for like a couple more hours  
TG: but i want _all_ the deets when you get back  
TG: pics or it didnt happen  
TG: you hear me  
TT: Loud and cleaer, brother deaer.  
TG: alright then  
TG: this better not be some weaksauce canadian girlfriend bullshit  
TG: she better be the real deal  
TG: you deserve the best  
TT: https://www.picsoritdidnthappen.com/rolal413/privshare.php?img=IMG0612.jpg  
TG: hold on  
TG: whoa what  
TG: _daaaaaaaaammmmnnn_ rose  
TG: who is that complete and utterly unimpeachable babe on your arm  
TG: and i say that as a dude who is only nominally bisexual here  
TT: My new wife!  
TT: Imean. If you mutst know.  
TT: Her nameis Kanaya,, and she;s _verrrrry_ sweet.  
TG: you never told me how far off the fucking charts your game was  
TG: whats with her weird orange horns though  
TG: did you ladies win those in skee ball or a claw machine or something  
TG: and the goddamn sphinx pyramid in the background  
TG: you didnt tell me you were  
TG: wait hold on  
TG: thats in  
TT: ;)  
TG: youre in fucking _vegas_  
TG: talking about your new _wife_  
TT: Yeap! :D  
TG: oh lord rose please dont tell me drunk rose made some incredibly stupid life decision when a cosplay showgirl crashed her hot date with jose cuervo  
TG: this is how you wake up in a cheap motel in reno with your bank accounts cleaned out  
TG: or in a bathtub with ice instead of kidneys  
TG: ive failed you in my brotherly duty here  
TG: please please tell me youre okay  
TT: Daave! I'm fine! Eveyrythign's gonna be fine.  
TT: I'm in, good hands heere. Really! Sh'es jsut,,, good for me.  
TT: Aslo, tequilia is _digsusting_.  
TG: ok maybe the kidney thing was too much but seriously  
TG: rose youre like 23 you got time to play the field  
TG: you dont even have to freeze your eggs yet or anything  
TT: Tell you what, Daaive.  
TT: We were gonna statrt our hoenymoon in space this evening, but.  
TT: How about I brign Kanaya around to brucnh so you can meeeet her.  
TT: And detremine the extenant to wihch she is, ifnact, the Real Deal.  
TG: a honeymoon in space  
TG: ah yeah sure obviously space  
TG: you could go punting down the martian canals  
TG: with little green men as gondoliers how romantic  
TG: come on rose just click the link its officially topical now  
TT: Daeveid Beth. Brunch.  
TT: With mismoosas?  
TG: i dont think im gonna let you drink it if you cant spell it  
TT: *Mimsossas.  
TG: strike two  
TT: Ahaha, fuck!  
TT: ** _Mimosas!_  
TG: ugh fine ok anyway  
TG: where and when  
TT: Your plaece. Lestsay... half past?  
TG: what  
TG: half past now?  
TT: Mmhmm!  
TG: rose  
TG: thats like in twenty five minutes  
TG: there is no _physical way_ you can make it to houston from vegas that fast  
TG: especially not if you are _already totally hammered_  
TT: Trsust me! I have my wayys. ;)  
TG: ok you have got to be shitting me but see if i care  
TG: youre in vegas bluffing on all your chips so im gonna call  
TG: imma polish this lousy bachelor pad till i can see my face in it  
TG: so you _better_ show up half past on the dot or youll have made me channel mr clean for nothing  
TG: and you _better_ have a hot kanaya with you or i call total bullshit  
TT: We'wll be there. With probverbial bells on!  
TT: See you soon!  
TG: haha later drunkface  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

**== >**

gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

GG: hi rose!  
GG: i had some reeeeeaaaaally weird dreams last night  
GG: are you busy right now?  
TT: Not anymore.  
TT: Or rather, I will be in a moment, once I start listening to you talk about your dreams.  
TT: I have hereby cleared all unnecessary appointments out of my schedule, set my phone to go straight to voice mail, and in all other respects prepared to give you my undivided dream-analysis attention.  
GG: wow i guess im pretty special to get that kind of treatment!  
TT: That doesn't seem like such an irrational conclusion for you to draw.  
TT: It's been entirely too long since I had any good dreams to interpret, and you are by far my most reliable source thereof.  
TT: I'm actually visiting Dave right now, but we have no fixed agenda and can easily take a temporary adjournment for a dream jam session.  
GG: haha, sup dave! :D  
TT: He says hey, by the way.  
TT: All of which is to say, Jade, please don't hold back the slightest detail about your latest somnambulistic odyssey.  
GG: ok here we go!  
GG: so you know ive been working on the string landscape problem  
GG: and its implications for different physical laws in different bubbles of inflating false vacuum phase in the very early universe  
GG: of which our own universe might be one, if the math works out!  
TT: Good thing you've explained this to me in detail on at least seventeen separate occasions.  
TT: I find your work on parallel universes utterly fascinating, but the jargon does take a little while to sink in.   
GG: anyway i think i must have fallen asleep at my desk!  
GG: and next thing i knew my alarm was going off  
GG: but i just know i hadnt set my alarm last night, i was so tired!  
GG: so i went to shut it off, and then suddenly i was weightless and just tumbling through my lab!  
GG: then i whacked into an open window that must not really have been open?  
TT: Typical dream logic. No doubt symbolic of your fears of falling off the research productivity treadmill.  
GG: to be honest, i'm not really sure whether it was a dream or not  
GG: it was so weird... but also super vivid!  
GG: anyway so i went through this series of experiments and eventually figured out that gravity was the only thing different  
GG: and only in my lab! not outside!  
GG: it was odd and specific enough that i thought it could only happen due to direct manipulation of our local calabi yau space by intelligent aliens  
GG: which would have been awesome!  
GG: because then i could talk physics with them!!!  
TT: Also fairly typical dream logic, but wish fulfillment this time.  
GG: oh god, youre probably right  
GG: except that the aliens were so shitty at fulfilling wishes!  
GG: i asked them all kinds of cosmology questions  
GG: time variation of alpha, the string landscape, that kind of stuff  
GG: but they were just sitting there playing dumb  
GG: until they erased part of my board and tried to write down a relativistic wave equation  
GG: and they got the equation wrong!  
GG: its like they didnt know anything and wouldnt admit it!  
GG: i got SO MAD!!!  
TT: Wow, this sounds like another anxiety dream now.  
GG: well, i dont know if it really made me that anxious  
GG: but i thought that if they came all the way across the galaxy just to contact me, they could at least get their physics right!  
TT: That does seem very frustrating.  
TT: Do you think your dream aliens might not have known, though?  
TT: What if the ones who contacted you weren't string theory experts?  
GG: haha right!  
GG: but honestly, how likely is that?  
GG: i know if i were talking to an alien species for the first time, i would bring all my best scientists  
GG: maybe thats kind of a cliche hollywood thing to do, i dont know  
GG: but even if those aliens didnt know about string theory, couldnt they have put me in touch with one who did?  
TT: Well, assuming they had anyone to put you in touch with.  
GG: but thats what i dont get!  
GG: how were they messing with my gravity if they didnt know string theory?!  
GG: maybe thats the weirdest part of all this!  
TT: Maybe it is?  
TT: Do you think a metaphorical apple is about to drop on your head?  
GG: oh, who knows, rose  
GG: insight on these kinds of deep problems is so hard to predict  
GG: and its so tempting to ask people who have it figured out already  
GG: until you realize none of them know what theyre doing either!  
TT: It's probably a very common feeling for anyone living a life, really.  
TT: So was that all?  
GG: no, it went on  
GG: so i got really annoyed with them and stomped downstairs and flopped onto my bed  
GG: which then fluffed up into a cloud!  
TT: Oh, so it's morphed into one of those cloud dreams you have sometimes.  
GG: yeah, the ones that seem to come true in weird ways  
GG: and i saw all kinds of things!  
GG: i flew by john getting his house demolished and freaking out about it  
GG: and dave uploading some crazy meme that broke the internet  
GG: and i flew by my own house, and i saw myself figuring out the string landscape problem, and telling those no-good aliens from earlier!  
GG: i tried to read my own paper but it was all in some weird language :(  
TT: More alien images, huh?  
TT: They must really be on your mind.  
GG: yeah im kinda obsessed with aliens right now for some reason  
GG: do you think theyre really out there?  
GG: like, for real and not just in my dreams  
TT: Oh, I couldn't really say.  
TT: It seems fairly likely to me, but you're better equipped to put a number to it than I am.  
GG: yeah i guess, but the terms in the drake equation are hard to pin down  
GG: so i get a really wide range of answers :/  
GG: you just seem to be better at guessing than i do!  
TT: I suppose I'm just lucky. But then, so are you.  
GG: and oh yeah speaking of which  
GG: i flew by your house last!  
GG: and you were dancing with this beautiful alien girl!  
TT: Really? Huh.  
GG: it was so sweet, you both looked so happy  
GG: and somehow i knew you had gotten married but i couldnt remember when?  
GG: and that made me really sad :(  
GG: youve been so lonely for so long, i wanted to be there for you  
TT: Oh, it hasn't been as bad as you make it sound.  
TT: I have you three, after all.  
TT: When I've felt most alone, it's usually been around other people.  
TT: You spend way more of your time actually physically alone than I do.  
GG: i guess i dont think about that much, i have too much to do!  
GG: and of course i have bec, who is SUCH a good boy  
GG: and like you say  
GG: if i feel lonely i know at least one of you is always online!  
TT: See? I feel much the same way, most of the time.  
TT: And I have my writing projects, and my knitting, and things like that.  
TT: But it's funny you mention it from your dream, because I now also have someone special I might want to introduce you to.  
GG: :O  
GG: really???  
TT: Yes! It's very recent, so I haven't had time to tell you till now.  
GG: oh my god i want to meet her!  
TT: She's wonderful, I'm sure you would like her.  
TT: She's also very interested in science, so I'm sure you two will have plenty to talk about.  
TT: Maybe not string theory. But science in general.  
GG: :D :D :D  
GG: i cant wait!!!  
TT: Uh oh, something crashed in the other room.  
TT: I have to run. I think Dave might have fallen down the stairs again.  
GG: god, it keeps happening doesnt it?  
GG: he can be really clumsy, i hope hes ok!  
TT: I'm sure he'll be fine, but I'd still better check on him.  
TT: I've really enjoyed this dream chat. Let's do it again soon.  
GG: haha, bec is licking my feet now, i think hes hungry!  
GG: talk to you later rose!  


gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

**== >**

ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

EB: hey rose!  
EB: man, i've been trying to pester you for days!  
EB: you're not going to BELIEVE what happened to me friday night!  
TT: That sounds rather like the start of a terrible piece of clickbait.  
TT: The kind curated by sources whose brand wasn't exactly built on a solid foundation of journalistic integrity.  
EB: no, come on, i'm totally serious!  
TT: All the same, I've grown accustomed to this kind of headline from you.  
TT: So try me, John. Let's see what I'm willing to believe from you.  
TT: Maybe we can make an equivalent exchange of improbable narratives.  
EB: oh my god, where do i start!  
EB: so, i was in my room, practicing card tricks.  
EB: and i was doing really well! i had that jack of spades trick DOWN.  
TT: Interesting. It turns out you were right.  
TT: I find myself already disbelieving you at a breakneck pace.  
EB: HA HA HA. yep, that sure is rose humor.  
EB: well, what i was going to say is that i didn't have it down after all.  
TT: John, you realize that by immediately undermining your own credibility, you're just telling me I was right not to believe you in the first place.  
EB: come on rose, i haven't gotten to the good part yet!  
TT: Ah, okay. I'll prepare myself to believe that part, whatever it is.  
EB: AUGH, whatever! look, i'll start over.  
EB: i was practicing the jack of spades trick, and i _thought_ i was doing pretty well, because i kept picking a card out that was the jack of spades.  
EB: but then i screwed up and dropped the cards, and it turned out it was only *A* jack of spades.  
EB: turned out the entire deck was jacks of spades!  
EB: that's pretty weird, huh?  
TT: It sounds like you've surpassed yourself, John.  
TT: You've graduated from mere magic tricks and moved on to sorcery.  
EB: haha, right?  
EB: i was _positive_ i had a normal deck of cards when i started.  
EB: so i kept trying to figure out how i could've done that?  
EB: but then i heard this beeping from my computer, and i looked over and there was a bunch of prime numbers just spewing across the screen!  
EB: just like with jodie foster in _contact!_  
TT: I imagine my own next action would have been to reboot my computer in safe mode and run a virus scan.  
EB: no way, rose!  
EB: because when i thought about it a little more, i realized the beeping was actually the A-E-I-O-U theme from _close encounters of the third kind!_  
EB: how do you explain that, huh?  
TT: A virus with a worse sense of humor than I realized at first?  
EB: i admit, it is a tempting and comforting explanation.  
EB: so i was thinking, sure, maybe a virus.  
EB: but then! i ran back and picked up the jack of spades deck, and do you know what i found?  
TT: Given that most children have mastered object permanence by the age of two, and you are twenty-three, I imagine you found fifty-two identical copies of the jack of spades.  
EB: aha! you'd _like to think that,_ wouldn't you.  
EB: but you'd be wrong!  
EB: ALL the cards were prime-numbered cards, in the regular four suits!  
EB: A, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 27, 29, 31.  
EB: now, what are the odds of that, and _also_ my computer spewing prime numbers at me at the same time, huh?  
TT: I'm pretty sure an ace can't be prime, since it normally stands for either 1 or 14, neither of which are prime.  
EB: huh? but 1 is prime, right?  
TT: No, John, it isn't.  
TT: I'm not a mathematician, but my best understanding is that if 1 ever became prime, bad mathematical things would happen.  
TT: So to prevent this prophecy of doom from coming to pass, in 1873 an international coven of mathematicians sacrificed a Moebius strip upon the grave of Pythagoras, thus exiling 1 from the domain of prime numbers forever.  
EB: haha, uh, i don't remember anything like that from math class!  
TT: That's because it would have been taught in History of Science.  
EB: look, fine, who cares if aces are prime!  
EB: the rest of the cards in each suit certainly were.  
EB: and they were definitely not like that before.  
EB: but the weirdest thing is that right after that, i heard this kind of weird whooshing noise?  
EB: and i looked out my window and saw this big purple thing zooming off into the sunset!  
EB: what are the odds of that happening at _exactly the same time_ as the other two things?  
TT: I don't know.  
TT: My rigorous calculation would suggest, pretty low, I guess?  
TT: But then, the unconditional probability of that happening at all is already quite low.  
TT: Your story is definitely straining the bounds of the mundane, and requiring additional suspension of disbelief on my own part.  
EB: yeah, that's what i figured!  
TT: So, do you still have this deck of mathematical mystery cards?  
EB: *sigh*  
EB: no, i don't.  
EB: i checked back again and they were all just normal cards.  
EB: i wish i had some kind of material proof i could show you.  
TT: That's too bad, John.  
TT: It sounds like I just would have had to be there to believe it.  
EB: :(  
EB: ...  
EB: oh, hey! didn't you have an unbelievable story to trade me?  
EB: unless you meant the prime number story?  
TT: What? Oh, that.  
TT: No, 1 definitely is not prime.  
TT: I was pranked for three weeks straight by the stunningly beautiful officer of an extraterrestrial science vessel, who then shared her reality-altering cursor technology with me and allowed me to me participate in experimentation on other humans with no explicit ethics clearance.  
TT: This assisted her in fulfilling her crew's information-gathering mission, during which I got very drunk, and afterwards I proposed to her.  
EB: haha, wow, yeah! that is completely unbelievable!  
EB: except maybe the drunk part. that kind of explains a lot of things.  
TT: It really does, doesn't it.  
TT: But I might point out that the supposed hallucinogenic properties of absinthe are in general greatly exaggerated.  
EB: yeeeaaah. i bet.  
EB: um, so. did she say yes?  
TT: She did indeed.  
TT: It was practically a foregone conclusion.  
EB: well, uh, congratulations!  
EB: when is the wedding? i hope i get to come!  
TT: I wish you could have, John. But you already missed it.  
TT: We eloped. It was less fuss.  
EB: oh, uh. haha. oh well.  
TT: "If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly," as I'm almost certain Anais Nin must have said.  
TT: If we ever renew our vows, we'll make sure to hold a big traditional ceremony and you can get the full experience then.  
EB: uhhh, sure thing rose!  
EB: keep me on the list! for sure!  
TT: Thanks, John.  
TT: We certainly will. ;)  


ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

**== >**

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: Hello Rose  
TT: Greetings, Lieutenant Spouse.  
GA: You Really Dont Have To Call Me That  
TT: But it just rolls off my fingers so easily.  
GA: Anyway Im Not Even Lieutenant Spouse Yet  
TT: Why not? You are my beloved spouse now, aren't you?  
GA: Well Yes Of Course I Am But Thats Not What I Mean  
GA: Theyre Still Finalizing The Paperwork For My Promotion  
GA: Its Taking Them Forever For Some Reason  
GA: Everything They Give Me To Sign Is Smeared And Illegible  
TT: Good thing Sollux was still cleared to drive the skiff, right?  
TT: That could have put a crimp in our wedding plans last week.  
TT: And that trip to Houston to see Dave.  
TT: And all our other honeymoon travel plans, actually.  
GA: Not That Any Of Those Little Forays Were Remotely Authorized  
GA: But I Think We Must Have Someone Covering For Us In High Places  
GA: Maybe Even Someone In The Fleet Admirals Office  
GA: Nobody Gave Sollux Any Argument About The Skiff At All  
TT: Hey, I'll take it.  
GA: I Quite Liked Paris Actually  
GA: I Could Have Spent The Whole Week In That One Museum Alone  
GA: Las Vegas Was Not Nearly as Impressive If You Ask Me  
GA: I Still Dont Know Why You Were So Insistent On Getting Married There  
TT: Let's just say I was impatient, and preferred the most expedient solution.  
GA: I Admit I Agreed With You At The Time  
GA: But Then I Saw Those Magazines In The Convenience Store Checkout  
GA: You Never Told Me The Dresses For Human Weddings Were So Elaborate  
TT: Yes, but they take three hours to get you in and out of!  
GA: But Theyre So Pretty  
GA: Why Dont You Spend A Sweep Rotating Between Fourteen Identical Uniforms And Then Tell Me You Dont Want To Try A Fancy Dress On  
TT: I think I would consider the reduced cognitive overhead regarding choice of attire a worthwhile tradeoff.  
GA: Then You Dont Have To Wear One  
GA: I Will Take All That Preparation Time Upon Myself  
GA: Should We Have The Opportunity For A Bigger Ceremony With Your Friends  
TT: We could just... go out on a date? And you could wear something nice?  
GA: Oh All Right  
GA: If We Arent Having Another Wedding Anytime Soon  
GA: I Suppose I Will Accept A Fancy Dress Date As An Alternative  
TT: I knew we could find a sensible compromise.  
TT: But we always can have a more public wedding, if you really want one.  
TT: I can never seem to deny you anything you want for that long.  
GA: Why Are You So Resistant To The Idea Then  
TT: I just think it's funnier this way, for now.  
TT: Dave knows you're an alien now, but he doesn't know you were that alien.  
TT: Jade has talked to you but doesn't know you're not a human yet.  
TT: And John still doesn't believe you actually exist.  
TT: Once the humor value of the misdirection wears itself thin, we can stage a Big Reveal and you can appear before them in all your splendor.  
TT: And then, I think it would be funnier for you to wear the dress.  
GA: Cant It Just Be An Opportunity For Me To Look Fabulous  
TT: Oh, it'll be that too!  
TT: But weddings are expensive, so let's make it dual-purpose.  
GA: You Know Money Wont Be A Concern For Us Much Longer  
GA: After You Get Your Own Commission  
TT: That's the benefit of membership in a post-scarcity economy, I guess!  
GA: Commander Pyrope Tells Me Your Paperwork Is Taking Even Longer  
GA: I Cant Imagine Why  
TT: If you're talking about who I think you are, nothing would surprise me.  
GA: Its My Turn To Be The Impatient One Now  
GA: I Miss You Rose  
GA: And I Want You Up Here With Me  
GA: I Have So Many Wonders To Show You  
TT: I miss you too, Kanaya.  
TT: I mean, it's been what, two days?  
TT: Which isn't objectively that long, but it feels like ages.  
TT: How did we both get to be so uselessly sentimental?  
GA: Rose Dearest  
GA: I Cant Remember A Time When We Havent Been  
GA: And To Be Honest I Hope Such A Time Never Comes  
TT: We may not get to decide that. But between you and me, I agree.  
GA: Oh Dear Heres Another Stack Of Forms  
GA: Im Going To Have An Even Bigger Cramp In My Arm Now  
GA: Why Do We Still Use Foliated Literary Substrate For These Things  
GA: No Wonder Our Bureaucracy Is So Slow  
TT: Lots of time pushing papers, huh?  
GA: Yes  
GA: Literally  
GA: Did I Ever Tell You That Mobile Trolleys With Forklifts Are Standard Issue In The Fleet Admirals Office  
TT: Hahahaha, no, but that's _awesome._  
TT: I suppose some aspects of civilization are universal commonplaces, no matter how advanced they may consider themselves.  
GA: Indeed  
GA: And On That Note I Really Must Go For Now  
GA: Hopefully This Will All Be Sorted Out By The End Of The Week  
GA: And We Will Have Entirely New Adventures Before Us  
TT: God, I'll drink to that.  
GA: Hahaha Please Dont Do That Yet  
GA: Wait Until I Can Look After You Personally  
TT: Aw, come OOOOOOONNN.  
TT: You never let me do anything anymore.  
GA: Dont Test Me Rose Lalonde  
GA: I Am Determined To Be Completely Inflexible On This Point  
GA: And Dave Is Prepared To Forward Me Your Pesterlogs To Enforce It  
TT: Oh, all right. I promise. Pinky swear.  
GA: Very Good  
GA: Get Some Sleep And Ill Troll You In The Morning  
TT: Will do.  
TT: Happy signing, Kanaya. <3  
GA: Good Night Rose <3  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]


End file.
